Saturday, March 26, 2022

Davids Daily Dose - Saturday March 26th

 

1/. Lindsey Graham is a piece of work, and he proved it again in the Ketanji Brown Jackson
hearings.....read how bad he was.....
He’s back! Photo: Michael Reynolds-Pool/Getty Images
Republicans participating in the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson can mostly be sorted into two groups. Some are being fairly civil and more or less relevant in their questioning, pausing frequently to congratulate themselves for behaving better than Democrats did during Brett Kavanaugh’s hearings (which involved serious sexual-assault allegations). But some Republican senators aren’t behaving well at all, and their outbursts often have little to do with Jackson.



2/. Tom Tomorrow spells out exactly what's happening with Covid.....

For some technical reason it's at the bottom after the jokes....sorry!



3/. Want to know what's behind the vicious attacks on Ketanji Brown Jackson? Read this 
chilling analysis by Heather Cox Richardson, who gives you the reality of what's coming 
to this country.....
Excellent as always - Mary and I read HCR's letter every morning....

In confirmation hearings this week for her elevation to a Supreme Court seat, the highly qualified and well-respected Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson endured vicious attacks from Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee, who vow to reject her confirmation despite the fact that her record is stronger than those of recent Republican nominees and that 58% of Americans want her to be confirmed. (In contrast, only 42% of Americans wanted Justice Amy Coney Barrett confirmed.





4/. "The Oligarchs", an investigation by Al Jazeera into Ukrainian oligarchs and how they 
siphon off their corrupt money and hide it globally.....interesting, and if you want a clue as to why Russia invaded Ukraine part of the reason may have been the flow of money was slowing down with an honest politician in charge [Zelensky]. This was made in 2018, but not much 
has changed since then.....50 minutes....



5/. Ron DeSantis is poised to run in 2024 as an even worse version of Trump.....and the base loves it....

Ron DeSantis, the Republican governor of Florida, is giving Donald Trump a run for his money as the most divisive politician in America.

“We want people that are going to fight the left, and that’s what we need to do in this country,” DeSantis declared in an interview with Fox News on Feb. 8. “That’s what we’re doing in Florida, standing up for people’s freedoms. We’re opposing wokeness. We’re opposing all these things.”



6/. It's not just Joe Manchin who is an evil bastard - it's his whole family......an appalling 
story of their greed in West Virginia....

WHEN THE SENATE finally passed its $1.5 trillion spending bill on Friday, sacrificing critical funding for pandemic control measures like coronavirus testing and popular climate initiatives like the Civilian Climate Corps, Sen. Joe Manchin was not left empty-handed. https://theintercept.com/2022/03/17/joe-manchin-viatris-mylan-union-heather-bresch/



7/. Desi Lydic from the Daily Show Foxsplains Ketanji Brown Jackson....two funny minutes.....



8/. A wonderful Lefsetz rant.....he makes a lot of sense, well worth reading about 
patriotism and sacrifice.........

Sacrifice

You can’t have it all.

That’s what they told women, back in the seventies, at the height of the liberation movement, that they could have it all. But you can’t. You’ve got to give something up. Sure, you can have a high-powered job and kids, it’s just that you might not be home when your child speaks their first word.

But this isn’t about women. They were held down and still are, but it’s representative of the seventies.



9/. Honest Trailers does the 2022 Oscar nominees.....one of their best ones yet.....amusing,
 and in a few cases informative....



10/. Think Putin is bad? Look at the Republicans.....



11/. Remember the 2020 Democratic debates, and Tulsi Gabbard? Look where she is 
now, a talking head on right wing media.....

Early on in the 2020 Democratic primaries, now former Representative Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii won praise from the progressive left for what seemed like her principled stance regarding America and its allies’ interventions turned to disasters in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya and elsewhere. This position was given further legitimacy by her military service in Iraq, where she did a tour in a medical unit, as well as her continuing role as an officer in her country’s Army reserves, where she has attained the rank of Lieutenant Colonel.



12/. Bill Maher with a really good "New Rule"....




13/. How Brevard County, FL is the center of MAGA politics.....

Brevard County, Florida, home to NASA’s Kennedy Space Center and the SpaceX project, typically makes headlines for sending people beyond Earth. Recently, however, it has drawn attention for a different reason: the number of residents it sent to Washington, D.C., on Jan. 6, 2021. 

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/brevard-county-florida-capitol-rioters-maga-politics_n_61d75b5fe4b0bb04a6425e0d




14/. The deadpan comic Stephen Wright meets a nymphomaniac.....



15/. Oscar movies you can stream now.....
Perhaps more than ever before, this year’s Oscar nominees are living on streaming platforms. Multiple films from the nominations lineup originated on streamers—Netflix has The Power of the Dog and Don’t Look Up, while Apple TV+ enters the race with CODA and The Tragedy of Macbeth. As such, it’s never been easier to watch the theatrical noir of Guillermo del Toro’s Nightmare Alley (four nominations) or the towering visualsof Denis Villeneuve’s Dune (10 nods) without leaving home. With only days to go until the 2022 Oscars, all 10 best picture nominees are now available to stream, with the arrivals of Licorice PizzaWest Side Story and Drive My Car on streaming platforms this month.



16/. Like sci-fi? The Guardian recommends two TV shows..
Adam Scott in Severance on Apple TV+.Adam Scott in Severance on Apple TV+. Photograph: Atsushi Nishijima/Apple TV+
Fri 18 Mar 2022 07.44 EDT
At the start of January I burned through what I was sure at the time was the nailed-on best show of 2022. Station Eleven (available on HBO Max in the US and Starzplay in the UK), which I’ve already wanged on about a couple of times in previous newsletters, is a drama set in the aftermath of a deadly flu pandemic that manages to be simultaneously gripping, deeply sad and quietly optimistic about the future of humanity.



17/. Wow - an impassioned review of "Flee", an animated movie entered in the Oscars.....
It's on Hulu, and Amazon Prime for $2.....



18/. Most interesting ranking of Best Actress Oscars over the last 20 years, with some surprises .....if you like movies, this is an excellent article...

What’s both gratifying and infuriating about the Oscars is encapsulated in who’s received Best Actress statuettes over the last two decades. On the one hand, this category has honored plenty of Hollywood’s current acting royalty, including Helen Mirren, Cate Blanchett, Olivia Colman, Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard — and even a few Americans here and there. That being said, it’s shocking how rarely our finest actresses have won for their finest roles, with the Academy often favoring showy over simmering, flash over finesse. Many of these women did far better work in other films, but that’s the Oscars for you: They often honor the greatest talents for their work in movies that almost never end up being their high-water marks. (Spoiler alert: We’re very afraid the same thing may happen with this year’s Best Actress race.)





Today's video - a tribute to Peter Seller's wonderful Inspector Clouseau....five minutes....



Today's golf joke

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong,
I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK,
I'm game for that . . . $10,000 a hole is fine with me.
When would you like to play?"

Stevie:     "Pick a night."



Today's blond jokes
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nods… “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.


One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"



Today's college football jokes
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? 

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________ 

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? 

Drool.
___________________________________________ 

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? 

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________ 

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk? 

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________ 

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. 

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." 

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________ 

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. 

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________ 

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________ 

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________ 

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________ 

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________ 

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;
the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________ 

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum? 

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________ 

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________ 

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________





 Today's dumbass jokes....
Smiling face with hornsMask
 
I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries 
while the employee that makes $15 an hour "monitors" and then this
happened.
 
 
Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?
 
Me - excuse me?
 
Her - you are wasting our bags!
 
Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to 
come on over here and bag them yourself.
 
Her - that's not my job!
 
Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right 
with you.
 
Her - why are you using two bags?!
 
Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or 
the bottoms to rip out.
 
Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If 
you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then
you wouldn't need to double bag
 
 
*10 seconds of me just staring at her.
 
 
Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in 
a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.
 
Her - exactly.
 
Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
 
Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.
 
Me - pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop 
twitching.
 
Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double 
bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just
put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm 
still using two bags for these two items.
 
Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same 
number of bags.
 
Me - looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are 
enjoying the show.
 
Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
 
Her- never mind you just don't get it. And with that she went back to 
her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on
her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come 
over and critique my bagging skills.
 
------------------------------------------------
 
My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave 
the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her
25c.
 
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
 
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
 
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
 
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we 
don’t do that kind of thing.'
 
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
 
Do not confuse the people at Mac D's.
 
 ----------------------------------------------------
 
We had to have the garage door repaired
 
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have 
a 'large' enough motor on the opener
 
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at 
that time, a 1/2 horsepower
 
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.
 
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. 
Four is larger than two.'
 
We haven't used that repairman since...
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
I live in a semi - rural area.
 
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to 
request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
 
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think 
this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
 
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
 
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
 
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee 
asked,
 
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
 
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
 
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
 
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
 
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
 
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
 
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
 
She is a government employee.....
 
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after 
a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
 
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working 
feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
 
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door 
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
 
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!'
 
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'  






Thursday, March 17, 2022

Davids Daily Dose - Thursday March 17th

 

1/. David Wallace-Wells asks why the world is ignoring the latest UN report on our changing climate....
Illustration: Mark Pernice
In late 2018, the United Nations published its landmark IPCC study “Global Warming of 1.5°C.” Sometimes called the “Doomsday” report, it outlined the dramatic outcomes — 150 million additional deaths from air pollution, once-a-century floods hitting every year — if the world became just half a degree warmer than the Paris Agreement’s stated goal of limiting warming to one and a half degrees above the preindustrial average.



2/. The Trumps, Putin edition!



3/. A chilling story on how the haters are winning, emboldened by the 6 right wing Supreme Court 
Justices who have their back.....we are in trouble folks....

the red-state drive to roll back civil rights is entering a new phase, perhaps best symbolized by Florida’s passage this week of the “Don’t Say ‘Gay’” bill censoring how schools discuss sexual orientation. President Joe Biden’s administration is leaning more heavily into the fight, even as business leaders are retreating from the battlefield.



4/. Tom Tomorrow on the gyrations by Republicans on Russia.....




5/. Excellent article by Andrew Sullivan on Putin, how and why he is failing and 
the implications for the American right.....

It would perhaps be too glorious an irony if it were Vladimir Putin who finally buzz-killed the American and European right’s infatuation with post-liberalism. But, as Russia’s invasion of Ukraine staggers shambolically and criminally forward, it’s no longer unthinkable. The icon of the West’s new right is in serious trouble now — and it might tarnish all of those who only yesterday were idolizing his reactionary zeal. 




6/. This is well worth watching - Johnathan Pie riffs on "Londongrad" for the NYT.....amusing, 
and informative as well.....six minutes....



7/. Good story on how dangerous DeSantis is to this country.....he is out-Trumping Trump.....

Former president Donald Trump had another of his interminable rallies this weekend. He said the usual things delighting his South Carolina crowd and boring the rest of us into a coma. This time, however, he did add one memorable new line to the script which got people's attention:



8/. Sanjay Gupta with a summary of where we are with Covid......good article, informative and reasoned.....

As we reach the second anniversary of the World Health Organization acknowledging Covid-19 as a pandemic on March 11, 2020, we appear to be standing on the edge of the endemic phase of this global health crisis. For many, that's the moment when we hope we can get back to our regular lives. 

Several times during this pandemic, I have written essays about America as if the country was my patient. The current situation has me thinking along those lines again. 



9/. Gas prices.....waaaaa.....



10/. Garrison Keillor with his thoughts on Putin and our dilemma.....nice little blog post titled "Reality - America, Take a Good Hard Look".....

“God created war so that Americans would learn geography,” said Mr. Twain, so now you sit in a New York apartment and try to reassemble your memory of Europe, where Germany and Poland are, and text with friends in Prague whose frightened little girls ask, “What is happening?” We don’t know. In one week, we’ve been transported back to 1940, and our Europe of chic vacations and intellectual ferment is now the cauldron of wars that our grandparents fled. My grandpa fled Glasgow, having five children and no wish to see the Great War up close, and my friend Bud Trillin’s people fled Ukraine for the reason Jews have been migrating for centuries. Chic had nothing to do with it, they were quite pleased to become Missourians.




11/. Bill Maher with a "New Rule" - World War Me.....interesting and amusing....8 minutes...



12/. Did you know Trump has re-financed Trump Tower? This bank sounds really suspicious......

Donald Trump has succeeded in refinancing Trump Tower. That’s no small feat. The Trump Organization has mountains of debt and become a financial pariah. The company’s longtime accountant, Mazars, recently abandoned the Trumps — amid a New York state investigation into whether the company systematically manipulated the value of its assets. The accounting firm said it could no longer vouch for the accuracy of a decade’s worth of Trump Organization financial statements, insisting those documents “should no longer be relied upon.”




13/. Weekend Update #1 - good.....3 minutes....


Weekend Update #2 - pretty good.....two minutes.....


\Weekend Update #3 - Alex Moffat gives his Oscar predictions....strangely amusing.....four minutes...



14/. You're not going to like this one - Jessica Wildfire makes the case that Putin has already won his war....

Nothing made sense until today, when Germany announced that it plans to keep buying oil and natural gas from Russia, even as Vladimir Putin continues committing every war crime on the books. China also recently came out in support of Russia, refusing to condemn the invasion of Ukraine and calling them a chief “strategic partner.”




15/. SNL - "Old Home Movies", amusing.....four minutes...



16/. Good summary from Car and Driver on the electric cars coming.....
Electric cars are the future, and each year we've seen automakers add more EVs to their lineups. Everyone is working on electric vehicles, from well-established existing manufacturers to new names such as Byton, Canoo, and Rivian. We've compiled a list of every electric vehicle, from concept to production, that isn't available yet but will be soon.



17/. Ever watched "The Witcher"? If you have you'll like this Honest Trailers, if not - you won't.....





18/. "Pachinko" on Apple + review.....apparently it's wonderful.....

Apple+’s adaptation of Min Jin Lee’s historical-fiction epic Pachinko bounces back and forth between several phases of its heroine Sunja’s life: growing up in Korea under the yoke of Japanese rule, where she’s played as a girl in the 1920s by Yu-na Jeon, and as a young woman in the 1920s played by Minha Kim; then her late-Eighties retirement in Japan (where she’s played by Youn Yuh-jung), reflecting back on her life’s many triumphs, tragedies, and compromises. In one scene in 1989, Sunja and her banker grandson Solomon (Jin Ha) are in the home of a fellow Korean expat, who surprises her guests by serving them Korean rice. Solomon can’t tell the difference from the kind he grew up eating in Osaka, but Sunja explains that rice grown in Korea is nuttier and a bit sweeter, albeit harder to chew on. It’s too subtle a distinction for Solomon to grasp, but it means everything to his grandmother.





Today's philosophy.....nice!

RULES FOR SONS:
1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
2. Don’t enter a pool by the stairs.
3. The man at the BBQ Grill is the closest thing to a king.
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
5. Request the late check-out.
6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
7. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
8. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
9. Play with passion or not at all…
10. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye.
11. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
12. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
13. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
14. You marry the girl, you marry her family.
15. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
16. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
17. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.
18. Never turn down a breath mint.
19. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.
20. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.
21. Thank a veteran. Then make it up to him.
22. Eat lunch with the new kid.
23. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.
24. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.
25. Manners maketh the man.
26. Give credit. Take the blame.
27. Stand up to Bullies. Protect those bullied.
28. Write down your dreams.
29. Always protect your siblings (and teammates).
30. Be confident and humble at the same time.
31. Call and visit your parents often. They miss you.
32. The healthiest relationships are those where you’re a team; where you respect, protect, and stand up for each other.



Today's smart people jokes....
ENGLISH Mensa Invitational - for lexophiles
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

-------------------------------------------------
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 


2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon(n):The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. 



The WashingtonPost has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. 
Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. 
Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. 
Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. 
Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.