Friday, December 30, 2022

Davids Daily Dose - Friday December 30th


1/. "Hunter Biden's Laptop" - how many times have you heard this phrase and immediately switched off - plenty I'll bet. 
But according to this story from New York Magazine the laptop data is real, the scandal has some basis and is about to get started 
again with Republicans in charge of the House.
This is well worth reading, just so you stay informed for January's scandals. And Hunter certainly was a bad boy......

This article was featured in One Great StoryNew York’s reading recommendation newsletter. Sign up here to get it nightly.

Imagine the entirety of your digital existence plotted out before you: your accounts and passwords; your avatars; your contacts; every exchange of written dialogue; the full history of your logged interests, banal and forgettable and closely held; the note where you scrawled once-urgent word fragments that now make zero sense to you; the rabbit holes you fell down or the minor obsession or the thing that connected to the thing that led you to decide to do another thing that became a part of a part of a part of who you are, or a part of who you are to some people, or a part of who you are only to yourself, barely recognizable in the light of day. Your selfies. Your sexts. Your emails. Your calendar. Your to-do list. Your playlists. Your tabs.



2/. Tom Tomorrow goes AI.....
TMW2022-12-28color.png




3/. A devastating story from Olivia Nuzzi on the disintegration of Trump and Trump's campaign.....how he behaves in his Mar-A-Lago bunker, and 
how his mind seems to be slipping.....
His fall is fascinating and inevitable......but he is still very dangerous......
Note in response to this story he went on a demented rant on Truth Social about Nuzzi....


Donald Trump was calling from Mar-a-Lago. It was a Monday afternoon in the middle of December. He was at his desk in what is known as 45 Office, a room on the second floor, above what is known as the Donald J. Trump Grand Ballroom, 20,000 square feet festooned with 16 sedan-size crystal chandeliers and what he claims to be $7 million of gold leaf.

Members of the Mar-a-Lago Club, who pay $200,000 initiation fees and annual fees of $14,000, may use the space, at an additional cost, for “important occasions that inspire, enchant, and exceed every expectation.” At the galas and bat mitzvahs and weekend weddings, Trump often wanders in. How could he resist a room like this? He smiles and waves. He joins groomsmen for photos. He steps onto the dance floor with the bride. Dark suit jacket, no tie, shirt unbuttoned, red MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN hat on his head. He tilts his face to the strobe lights and pumps his fists in the air. Sometimes he grabs a microphone and gives a speech. He knows what the people who show up here want.



4/. Good column about Musk and Tesla from Paul Krugman....

If you're one of those people who bought Bitcoin or another cryptocurrency near its peak last fall, you’ve lost a lot of money. Is it any consolation to know that you would have lost a similar amount if you had bought Tesla stock instead?

OK, probably not. Still, Tesla stock’s plunge is an opportunity to talk about what makes businesses successful in the information age. And in the end, Tesla and Bitcoin may have more in common than you think.




5/. I have heard comparisons of the American Empire to ancient Rome before, so this was especially interesting 
to me.....and debunks a few "truths" as well.....

Many who argue that America is in decline like to point to a perceived parallel with the decline of Rome, where citizens went from ruling the world to surviving by eating mouse dung and weeds in the streets.

They are pointing to the wrong flaw, and if their lesson is heeded, America will indeed be in trouble.

The alleged script goes like this: After a series of remarkable conquests, when Rome ruled the world, it came to rely on ‘foreign’ armies for its power. These armies killed Rome.

Only it didn’t. It didn’t fall at all. And that is the more serious comparison with America. The Western Roman Empire declined gently into insignificance. 
It did not fall; it faded.



6/. Working remotely is here to stay, but the real effects haven't been felt yet by American cities' commercial real estate..........
Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty Images
The “work from home” revolution has been very good for political columnists who like to write shirtless in pajama pants and share too much personal information with their readers. But the phenomenon hasn’t been so great for America’s cities.



7/. Science is political!



8/. Bob Lefsetz with philosophy, TV recommendations, politics and general common sense.....one of his better riffs on life....

I’ve been sick as a dog. And there’s nothing worse than being unable to ski whilst at a ski area. I could check myself, apologize somehow, for not only being in Vail but choosing to ski at all, but that’s exactly the point. You think everybody is watching, you think everybody cares, when in truth almost nobody is or does. Even if you’re world-famous you can ignore the haters. Because hating is an activity these flamethrowers love to engage in. It’s their raison d’ĂȘtre.

In other words, we no longer live in a cohesive society. This is what Covid taught us. Nobody was in control. And it does not only apply to illness.

So last night we were watching this documentary on Netflix entitled “Carmel: Who Killed Maria Marta?” I’d never heard of it, and you probably haven’t either, but Jared Leto recommended it in the “Wall Street Journal”:

“I recently binge-watched: ‘The AlcĂ sser Murders.’ It’s a Spanish true-crime series. The other thing I recommend is ‘Carmel: Who Killed Maria Marta?’—about an Argentine murder. Trust me, watch it.”



9/. Life on Mars.....



10/. How our mainstream media continue to fail to report on Trump and the right wing threat in the name of false equivalence.....

Mother Jones; zz/KGC-375/STAR MAX/IPx/AP; Getty

Fight disinformation: Sign up for the free Mother Jones Daily newsletter and follow the news that matters.
The day after Donald Trump, a former president and the leading contender for the Republican presidential nomination in 2024, called for the “termination” of provisions of the US Constitution governing elections and essentially demanded that he be declared the “rightful winner” of the 2020 election, neither the New York Times nor the Washington Post ran a front-page story reporting Trump’s call for ripping up portions of the nation’s founding document. No mention of this even appeared in the Times that day. Trump’s unprecedented and dangerous statement was not deemed a big deal. This raised a question: Have major media players still not figured out how to cover Trump’s extremism?


11/. This is what it feels like sometimes....




12/. The newsmakers of 2022.....kind of amusing to read!


It wasn’t exactly a feel-good year. With brutal inflation, the war in Ukraine, periodic pandemic surges, gun massacres and the Supreme Court’s ruling that women do not have a right to bodily autonomy, 2022 had its dark spots. Then again, we avoided a presidential impeachment, and no one stormed the Capitol trying to overthrow the government. So that was a step up. Plus, Sarah Palin lost her House race. Twice.




13/. The best movies of 2022, from Rolling Stone....

NO ONE COULD be blamed for thinking that the Movies — the capital-M medium — was in a midst of an existential crisis in 2022. The theatrical experience constantly seemed to be hanging on by a thread, threatening to become a thing of the past. (Though a hearty thank you to you, Mr. Tom Cruise, for saving it for at least one more year.) Streaming services kept underwriting canon-worthy directors’ new projects, then undermining those same films by throwing them to the algorithm wolves and turning them into just another bit of “content.” Superhero movies continued to dominate multiplex screens, and I.P. franchises continued to multiply and/or go multiversal at the expense of a variety of other options. (If we have to suffer through one more “Marty or Marvel?” argument on Film Twitter…just kidding. R.I.P. Twitter.) If a film fell in the forest, and a pop star wasn’t accused of spitting on a costarwhile promoting it, did it even make a sound? The phrase “casual moviegoer” remained on the verge of becoming an oxy-moron. The sky is falling!, cried the chorus of chicken-little cinephiles, before turning back to the Criterion Channel to binge yesterday’s arthouse heroes.



14/. The 23 best TV shows of 2022, chosen by Vanity Fair.....definitely some to catch up with....
The temperatures are dropping and the siren call of the remote control has never been stronger. ‘Tis the season to catch up on the best shows of 2022, naturally. Here, Vanity Fair staffers make their case for the best shows of the year, conveniently presented for you in alphabetical order. 



15/. The Guardian's choice of the best movies of the year.....

From a sharp comedy reboot to an erotic political thriller, Guardian writers pick the hidden films of the year that people should know more about

Dali Benssalah in Athena, Jessica Chastain in The Forgiven and Jon Hamm in Confess Fletch.Dali Benssalah in Athena, Jessica Chastain in The Forgiven and Jon Hamm in Confess Fletch.Composite: Alamy



16/. Have you seen Glass Onion - Knives Out with Daniel Craig on Netflix? If so, you'll be interested in this.....
Edward Norton as Miles, Madelyn Cline as Whiskey and Daniel Craig as detective Benoit Blanc‘An increasing need to go bigger and more elaborate.’ Edward Norton as Miles, Madelyn Cline as Whiskey and Daniel Craig as Benoit Blanc. Photograph: John Wilson/Netflix © 2022
Fri 30 Dec 2022 07.48 EST
As a therapist to “ultra high net worth individuals”, for me the new Netflix sensation, Glass Onion, A Knives Out Mystery, hits a little too close to home. While the average person naturally finds it hard to muster any sympathy for billionaires, the sequel to the 2019 murder mystery film Knives Out perfectly illustrates why I would never choose to enter the complicated world of my clients. Trust me when I say you’ll never see me buying a lottery ticket.



Today's video - a classic , "The Dentist" from the Carol Burnett show, with Harvey Korman and Tim Conway.......
The full version is funny, but the really funny bits start at the five minute mark.........



Today's philosophical jokes.....
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably
in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time
between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a
Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to
you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it
does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but
whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the
beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and
ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a
goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember
things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of
nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call
those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.


Today's naughty joke
A couple living in a small  Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before.”

"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"



Today's senior joke
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the  restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a safe place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.  He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

Coming up is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior that you know personally...to show you care.
At least I've done MY part!!



Today's blonde joke
A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman from the third row stands on her chair and screams: "I've had just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?"
"What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" she goes on to say... 

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large - all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde screams again, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!"



Wednesday, December 21, 2022

Davids Daily Dose - Wednesday December 21st

 



1/. This piece by Thomas Frank, author of "What's The matter With Kansas",  spells out exactly what is wrong with the 
Democratic Party and how we are constantly being outmaneuvered by the fanatics on the right.....
Excellent column, well worth reading.....

So the Democrats avoided the usual midterm cataclysm. They lost the House, yes, but they gained a seat in the Senate, and they did so despite a bad economic climate and an unpopular president. Meanwhile, Donald Trump has embarrassed himself with stupid remarks, and maybe this time he will stay embarrassed. Liberal rejoicing fills the air.

Now for some cold water. Democrats did so well, in part, because a conservative Supreme Court 
handed them a political gift by overturning Roe v. Wade and Republicans ran a group of dreadful celebrity Senate candidates.



2/. The Tampa Bay Times has done a very good article on how Tampa Bay got very lucky because Hurricane Ian shifted 100 miles south....
It spells out how vulnerable the Bay area is, and how it's just a matter of time ....
Excellent short videos and pictures too.....

When Tampa Bay went to sleep on the last Monday of September, the forecast looked perilous.

Hurricane Ian charged toward Florida’s most fragile coastline. Emergency officials had ordered hundreds of thousands of people to evacuate, warning of a nightmarish, 15-foot flood.

Then the storm shifted. Ian went from a worst-case scenario to another near-miss for a region whose extreme flood risk might only be matched by its unbelievable luck.



3/. We hate the gub'mint....



4/. These bastards running these hospitals should be ashamed.....but they aren't....

At a hospital in a Chicago suburb last winter, there were so few nurses that psychiatric patients with Covid were left waiting a full day for beds, and a single aide was on hand to assist with 32 infected patients. Nurses were so distraught about the inadequate staffing that they banded together to file formal complaints every day for more than a month.

About 300 miles away, at a hospital outside Flint, Mich., similar scenes were unfolding. Chronic understaffing meant that patients languished in dried feces, while robots replaced nursing assistants who would normally sit with mentally impaired patients.

Both hospitals are owned by one of the country’s largest health systems, Ascension. 



5/. News stories of 2022....



6/. We laugh at Trump's NFT's, but he still has millions in his cult and is still dangerous. 
Excellent analysis of why Trump still has believers.....

Fascism and right-wing populism are, by definition, a political con job.

Such movements and their leaders manipulate the emotional vulnerabilities of their followers as a way of amassing political power, financial resources and other forms of influence and control.

In the end, those followers are usually left disappointed, used up by the movement and then cast aside. In the worst such examples, both leaders and followers of such fake populist movements suffer literal destruction. Leaders of these fake populist movements almost always have unlimited contempt for their followers and anyone who is so gullible as to trust them.



7/. Anyone know where this is? I want to take a whiz!



8/. Ron DeSantis is the ultimate anti-vaxxer we have.....
This week, Ron DeSantis announced he would ask the Florida Supreme Court to form a grand jury to investigate makers of the COVID-19 vaccine, charging it with “investigating cardiac-related deaths tied to the mRNA vaccine” and bringing “legal accountability for those who committed misconduct.” It was perhaps inevitable that DeSantis’s war on COVID vaccines would escalate to the point that he would finally threaten to bring the power of the law down on his adversaries.



9/. A Weekend Update sketch that's really funny - Colin Jost, his Aunt Pat and her butler Mikey Day.....good one..... 



10/. David Wallace-Wells spells out how the energy companies pretend to be green.....and 
fool a lot of people......

Last week, a House investigation into Big Oil profiteering and greenwashing released its latest report — the result of more than a year of research, subpoenas and hearings. Among other things, the latest report makes unmistakably clear that whatever Chevron, BP, Shell, Exxon and other members of the American Petroleum Institute may say about their climate policies, their investments show that they intend to continue producing and selling oil and gas deep into the future — and well beyond the carbon budgets implied by any of the world’s climate goals.




11/. And having read the above story, it's time to watch this commercial again.....




12/. Cecily Strong's character Cathy Ann says goodbye on Weekend Update.....and so does Cecily, who is leaving the show....



13/ You, yes you - you over 60 person - you need to read this.....

I’m not particularly afraid of death. But I’m afraid of dying.

And dying can now take a very, very long time. In the past, with poorer diets, fewer medicines, and many more hazards, your life could be over a few months after being born or moments after giving birth or just as you were contemplating retirement. Now, by your sixties, you may well have close to a quarter of your life ahead of you. In 1860, life expectancy was 39.4 years. By 2060, it’s predicted to be 85.6 years. This is another deep paradigm shift in modernity we have not come close to adapting to.

For some, with their bodies intact and minds sharp, it’s a wonderful thing. But for many, perhaps most others, those final decades can be physically and mentally tough. Increasingly living alone, or in assisted living or nursing homes, the lonely elderly persist in a twilight zone of extended, pain-free — but not exactly better — life. 




14/. Tom Tomorrow on right wing culture....


15/. Bob Lefsetz with commentary on Musk and power.....painfully good.....

This isn’t about social media, this is about authoritarianism. This is what happens when one person has too much power and exercises it willy-nilly. Not only can no one stop him (or her!), a good percentage of the population supports them.

That’s right, Elon Musk is now a hero to the right. Which is kind of a headscratcher since his reputation was being a hero to the left, i.e. Tesla. Yes, the right, from the “Wall Street Journal” opinion page to legislators to the rank and file, is anti-electric automobiles. There are bogus scientific explanations, there’s the defense of the oil industry, there’s a refusal to accept change and at the root it’s got to do with freedom. Yes, the freedom to drive gas-guzzlers.

https://lefsetz.com/wordpress/2022/12/16/the-twitter-bans/



16/. Weekend Update #1 - the lads seem a little serious.....

Weekend Update #2 - fair and short....



17/. From the Times - Umair cites the ambulance issue in Britain as a symbol of the collapse of the British infrastructure, but if 
you were sceptical about Umair's take on this here is a story from the New York Times that will curl your hair.....

WREXHAM, Wales — Rachel Parry and Wayne Jones, two paramedics with the Wrexham Ambulance Service, pulled up to a hospital in northern Wales with a patient just after 10 a.m. one early December morning.

That’s when their wait began.

It would be 4:30 p.m. before their patient, a 47-year-old woman with agonizing back pain and numbness in both of her legs, would be handed over to the emergency room of Wrexham Maelor Hospital. It was more than 12 hours since she had first called 999, the British equivalent of 911.




18/. Wow - I wasn't aware of this.....Hertz put innocent people in jail.....
Numerous lawsuits filed against Hertz in recent years accuse the company of knowingly and falsely reporting its customers to authorities.Numerous lawsuits filed against Hertz in recent years accuse the company of knowingly and falsely reporting its customers to authorities. Photograph: David Zalubowski/AP

On 13 January 2021, a swarm of police officers with guns drawn suddenly surrounded Saleema Lovelace in Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania, and asked the 45-year old local community activist to exit the Nissan Sentra she was driving.

Lovelace, a member of Philadelphia’s 39th police district advisory council, an organization that seeks to liaise between police officers and local residents, was asked by police to roll down her windows and exit her car before she was placed in handcuffs and put in a police patrol car.




19/. "The Banshees Of Inisherin" is highly rated, interesting synopsis.....make sure the subtitles are on though.....

One thing I didn’t have on my lifetime cinematic bingo card—and I bet it is not on yours either—was Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleesonbecome the 21st century’s answer to Laurel and Hardy. And yet. With 2008’s “In Bruges,” and now “The Banshees of Inisherin,” the Irish actors, under the writing and directing aegis of frequently pleasantly perverse Martin McDonagh, display a chemistry and virtuosic interplay that recalls nothing so much as the maestros of the early 20th-century Comedy of Exasperation.




20/. Vanity Fair lists the 23 best shows on TV, and boy are we missing some good viewing......never heard of some of these.....
The temperatures are dropping and the siren call of the remote control has never been stronger. ‘Tis the season to catch up on the best shows of 2022, naturally. Here, Vanity Fair staffers make their case for the best shows of the year, conveniently presented for you in alphabetical order. 


Today's spiritual joke

A Troubled World!
As I was coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends' lives, and what's happening in Washington, Moscow, North Korea, the Middle East,

January 6th,  Donald Trump, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity. 

Then I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS


Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.

A Mexican with a leaf blower showed up. 

 


Today's engineer joke
I called an old friend who is a retired Professor of Engineering and asked what he was doing. 

He replied that he was working on: "Aqua-thermal-surfactant treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment." 

I was impressed. 

However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with soap & hot water under his wife's supervision.
 


Today's male joke

Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds..

If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S


 

 



Answers: 
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS


You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

The good news is:
You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You are a pervert. 

 


Today's Lawyer jokes....

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

______________

What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

______________

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.
“$250.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

______________

Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.

______________

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You should take your work boots off before you jump on a trampoline.

______________


Two lawyers were sitting at a bar when a great looking girl walks by. “Boy, I’d really like to screw her!” says the first lawyer.
“Out of what?” says the second lawyer.

______________


Mr. Pierpoint, the local bank president sat in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.
“Give me the bad news first.”
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
“That’s the bad news?” asked Pierpoint incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

______________

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.

______________

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

______________

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

______________

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
Your honor.

______________

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

______________

How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side and then on the other.

______________

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, “Fees!”

______________

Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

______________

Minister and Lawyer in Heaven
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
“Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite.”
“This is unfair!” cried the minister.
“Listen,” Saint Peter said, “ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.”

______________

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

______________