Saturday, September 26, 2020

Davids Daily Dose - Saturday September 26th



1/  The excellent and insightful Frank Rich on the momentous events of the past week...
Photo: Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images

Most weeks, New York Magazine writer-at-large Frank Rich speaks with contributor Alex Carp about the biggest stories in politics and culture. Today, Trump’s military threat to hold on to the White House, what the Democrats can do about the Supreme Court, and New York’s state coronavirus-vaccine plan.

In comments this week, Donald Trump repeatedly declined to commit to a peaceful transfer of power should he lose the White House, and also stated that a ninth Supreme Court justice is needed to decide the election, telegraphing an intention to take it out of the hands of voters. How seriously should we take these statements?https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/09/frank-rich-how-far-will-trump-go-to-keep-the-white-house.html



2/  The Lincoln Project has outdone themselves with this ad....call now and put Lindsey Graham out of his misery....



3/  Ron DeSantis is a mini-Trump in every way, slavishly imitating the boss and stunning in his incompetence....
Read this first paragraph, and then think about the logic of opening everything 100%.....
He is the embodiment of Floriduh....when we get back there we are still wearing masks!
Photo: Orlando Sentinel/TNS via Getty Images
Florida governor Ron DeSantis is pushing an anti-protest bill that would shield people who use their cars to kill demonstrators from legal liability, among other provisions. The announcement comes two months after his mishandling of the coronavirus pandemic left Florida with America’s single-day infection record, with 15,299 new cases on July 12, and the second-highest infection rate of any state today, with 3,184 cases per 100,000 people



4/  The future Supreme Court....
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5/  Have you seen "Social Dilemma" on Netflix? It's one of the scariest documentaries out there, because it describes how our entire world has been captured by giant media companies using Artificial Intelligence, and how we have all been reduced to algorithms and shamelessly manipulated .....
This story by Andrew Sullivan on "Social Dilemma" was an epiphany for me, as I realised in our Covid-19 state of interrupted social interaction with friends and acquaintances I was falling into the Facebook trap.....no more. It's off my phone, and I'm signing on only twice a day to post good stuff....like groaners and Trump jokes...
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I’ve never felt this way about an election before. For my entire adult life, campaigns could be exhilarating, tedious, crowded with incident or laden with foreboding, but you always felt that, at some point, there would be a resolution. The votes would be counted; the exit polls parsed; a decision made; and both sides would respect it. The one time that didn’t happen — in 2000 — I felt for the first time an inkling of what I feel in every part of my psyche now: a sense that the system itself was buckling.



6/  A Sarah Cooper compilation....very clever, very amusing.....thankfully only 4 minutes of THAT voice....




7/  This lunatic is the next Supreme Court justice....as it is she's on the powerful Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals....
Goodbye women's rights....
This story is about her legal record, but what makes her especially dangerous is her membership in "People Of Praise", a Catholic cult that models itself after "The Handmaid's Tale"....see story below....
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WASHINGTON — Judge Amy Coney Barrett, President Trump’s expected pick for the Supreme Court, has compiled an almost uniformly conservative voting record in cases touching on abortion, gun rights, discrimination and immigration. If she is confirmed, she would move the court slightly but firmly to the right, making compromise less likely and putting at risk the right to abortion established in Roe v. Wade.



8/  The dangerous cult "People Of Praise".....whew, scary.....
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Members of the Christian right are lobbying hard for President Trump to tap 7th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Amy Coney Barrett to replace Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the Supreme Court. A current Notre Dame law school professor, 48-year-old Barrett is a devout Catholic and mother of seven children, two of whom were adopted from Haiti and one who is a child with Down syndrome—all attributes that conservatives see as evidence that she will help overturn Roe v. Wade if confirmed. But Barrett brings another resume entry to the table that, while possibly enhancing her appeal to evangelicals, makes her an unusual candidate for the job.

She’s a member of People of Praise, a charismatic covenant community in South Bend, Indiana, that has been criticized by former members for being a religious cult.



9/  Tom Tomorrow.....
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10/  I am including Heather Cox Richardson's news summary of Saturday AM because she does a great job of summarising the week's news, including the Trump refusal to leave office. I have to admit Mary and I had a mini-meltdown after Rachel's MSNBC show Wednesday about Trump's statement, but on Thursday she had a great segment putting his treason in perspective.....which HCR does here. There's going to be trouble, he'll do everything in his power to stay in power, but we will prevail in the end....

If you haven't subscribed to her newsletter, I can really recommend it. It's free on FB, and also free by email....

Trump’s refusal Wednesday to commit to accepting a loss in the November election with a peaceful transfer of power continues to make waves. Today the New York Times reported that military officers are worried that Trump will try to drag them into a contested election. But while people are rightly frightened about Trump’s increasing authoritarianism, it’s important to understand that he is deploying these particular threats about the election to create an impression that he has the option to control the outcome in November. He does not have that option.                  https://heathercoxrichardson.substack.com/p/september-25-2020?token=eyJ1c2VyX2lkIjozOTYxMTgzLCJwb3N0X2lkIjo0NDA3MDUzLCJfIjoiM2JnMEoiLCJpYXQiOjE2MDExNTM5MzIsImV4cCI6MTYwMTE1NzUzMiwiaXNzIjoicHViLTIwNTMzIiwic3ViIjoicG9zdC1yZWFjdGlvbiJ9.zlFYUMBri2zadB9IkD-bYSExWeJG7OB0hjrZC2lNaMQ



11/  Climate change is here!
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12/  This might be an unpopular article, but Benjamin Studebaker is less impressed with RBG's legacy than most, as he looks at some of the cases she decided.....an interesting perspective that no one else is writing about....
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Over the past week, there has been a very strong emotional reaction to the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I am not talking about the grief–it is perfectly normal for Ginsburg’s many admirers to grieve her loss. But it has gone beyond grief. There is a climate of intense fear surrounding Ginsburg’s death. Over the past few months, the Democrats have tried to make the 2020 election feel existential. They want us to feel that we have to vote for Biden, because otherwise democracy itself will be destroyed. This has led to a lot of exaggeration. I have been reluctant to write on it, because the reactions people are having are so extreme. But contrary to the increasingly hysterical narrative, there is little reason to think that Ginsburg’s death will have massive political consequences. Here’s why.



13/  Excellent segment from a CNN host on Fox News' misinformation and lies about coronavirus....six minutes....




14/  Remember Stranger Danger? Satanic Panic"  A most interesting story about conspiracy theories and how 
QAnon is fuelling the latest - "Save The Children".....
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For many supporters of the #SaveTheChildren movement, face masks are part of the problem. Rather than saving lives by slowing the spread of Covid-19, proponents argue, letting your child wear a mask makes it harder for them to cry for help, which they will need to do, because there are evil people, right now, coming to kidnap them.



15/  No mask? Here's your reward.....
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16/  Jonathan Chait with an interesting [longish] story....for us to believe in the legal system again, 
Trump must be prosecuted for his crimes....
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In the end, the most salient fact about Donald Trump may simply be that he is a crook. He has been defying the law since at least the early 1970s, when he battled the Department of Justice over his flagrant refusal to allow Black tenants into his father’s buildings. He has surrounded himself with mafiosimoney launderers, and assorted lowlifes. His former attorney, national security adviser, and adviser, and two of his campaign managers, have been arrested on or convicted of an array of federal crimes ranging from tax fraud to perjury to threatening witnesses. 




17/  Trump's America....
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18/  I'm putting this in again in case you missed it....Dems must, must go nuclear on the RGB replacement....
It’s a popular sentiment on the left: Don’t mourn, organize. But with the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, that won’t be enough. Ginsburg, a hero of female empowerment and of the Supreme Court, deserves much mourning. But Democrats and progressives can waste no time prepping for the battle royale that lies ahead.




19/  And it's coming to Floriduh - 100% open.....just wait three weeks....
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20/  A little florid, but nicely said!
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21/  Laid up cruise ships are now an attraction for the Brits....
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As the ferry slowly turned the corner of the Hengistbury headland off Britain’s southwest coast, the passengers on board stood up and gaped at the silhouettes of giant cruise ships moored in the distance, letting out bursts of exhilaration as the vessels came into focus.




22/  This is a pathetic story - Florida's jobless aid program is so bad DeSantis has to reject the 
federal funds...beyond sad....
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TALLAHASSEE — Florida‘s Republican governor will end a Trump program to boost unemployment benefits to out-of-work Americans because the state’s bare-bones jobless program is too poor to continue qualifying for the federal boost. 

Gov. Ron DeSantis, an ally of President Donald Trump, is scrapping the extra $300 in weekly benefits because the state pays its unemployed workers too little to meet a 25 percent matching requirement. Florida appears to be the first state in the nation to halt the program because of its cost.




Today's video - the Ameriquest Mortgage "Don't Judge Too Quickly" commercials.......very amusing, and most are new.....




Today's codger joke

Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
 
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
 
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
 
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
 
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
 
'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
 
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?
 
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 95 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
 
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’. 


Today's oldies but goodies
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."   Lynn Lavner 


"Sex at age 70 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."    Camille Paglia 

 
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."     George Burns 

 
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."    Sharon Stone 

 
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."    Tiger Woods 

 
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."    Jack Nicholson 

 
"  Clinton  lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."      Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) 

 
"Ah, yes, divorce,  from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."    Robin Williams 

 
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"    Billy Crystal 

 
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."    Robert De Niro 

 
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"    Dustin Hoffman 

 
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"    Jerry Seinfeld 

 
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams 

 
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."            Joan Rivers 


"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."     Steve Martin 

 
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."    Elmo Phillips 

 
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."     Oscar Wilde



Today's golf joke
You may not be aware, but I've been very busy since my retirement putting my thoughts and ideas together in a new book about Golf.  I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy.  Below is listed the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies"; which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience in the observations of my golfing friends.

Table of Contents
Chapter 1:       How to properly line up your Fourth putt.
Chapter 2:       How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3:       How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4:       How to get more distance from a shank.
Chapter 5:       When to give the Course Ranger the finger.
Chapter 6:       Using your shadow on the greens to confuse your opponent.
Chapter 7:       How to create a fake Handicap card on your home computer.
Chapter 8:       Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.
Chapter 9:       How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post ... Undetected.
Chapter 10:     How to rationalize a 6-hour round.
Chapter 11:     How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
Chapter 12:     Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th hole.
Chapter 13:     How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.
Chapter 14:     How to relax when you are hitting three off the tee.
Chapter 15:     When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
Chapter 16:     God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.
Chapter 17:     When to re-grip your Ball Retriever.
Chapter 18:     Using a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.
Chapter 19:     Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip,
                        but will balk at a $3.50 beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.
Chapter 20:     Practicing your swing in the living room using a real ball.
If you have any suggestions for additional topics or chapters, I’d love to hear them. 


Today's "I wish this were a joke".....
Dear Red States,

We've decided we're leaving. We of the Blue States intend to form our own country.

In case you aren't aware, that will include Hawaii, Oregon, California, New Mexico, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast down to and including Virginia. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of Puerto Rico, U.S. Virgin Islands, Guam and Washington D.C. 

To briefly sum up:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We also get the Statue of Liberty.

You get Trump’s wall, all 3 miles of it that he has managed to get built in almost 4 years. We get Intel and Microsoft. Also Costco. 

You get QAnon. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the Red States pay their fair share. 

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, over 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and virtually all the best colleges and universities.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones, and Rand Paul. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. 

Additionally, 62 percent of you believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you have higher morals than everyone else. 

Oh, and you can have all the new Coronavirus cases since you're too dumb and self-centered to wear a mask.

 

Good luck from the people Blue States


Monday, September 21, 2020

Davids Daily Dose - Monday September 21st


1/  No surprise here....Trump is a sociopath......
Photo: Andrew Caballero-Reynolds/AFP via Getty Images
A procession of former Trump administration officials, speaking both on and off the record, have depicted the president as fundamentally unfit for office. Yesterday, the latest addition to their ranks, former Mike Pence aide Olivia Troye, put an especially fine point on the indictment. President Trump displayed “flat-out disregard for human life.”https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/09/pence-aide-trump-disregard-human-life-coronavirus-olivia-troye.html



2/  Jimmy Kimmel hosted the Emmys last night....not bad, six minutes....



3/  RGB's death could reshape America....
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We

have entered the danger zone. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died on Friday evening, and the news was still fresh when Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that any nominee to replace her would in fact go to a vote in the Senate before the November election. Republicans have a majority in the Senate, even though they represent a minority of Americans, and could very well speedily seat a new justice. There is little question that President Donald Trump will nominate a right-wing reactionary judge, someone who will spit on Ginsburg’s legacy.



4/  The Meidas Touch with a hard hitting ad "PedoTrump".....Trump, Jeffrey Epstein and young women....



5/  Interesting and insightful article on white voters, and how the Democrats need to find a way to connect to 
some of the Trumpies that aren't blatant racists.....
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6/  Sam Bee is trying to scare you into voting....amusing, clever.....2 minutes....



7/  One of the excellent NYT interactive articles with very good graphics - this one is on the spread of the virus and how it happened.....
Informative, really well done........



8/  This Lincoln Project ad is from late July, but it's more relevant than ever.
 "Wake Up".....a Republican comes out of a coma after 3 1/2 years....a painfully amusing [but informative] six minutes....
Just wonderful....



9/  This is a true toon.....
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10/  Seth Meyers with "A Closer Look" at the Trump Town Hall last week.....good comedic reporting if you've only 
seen short clips of Trump humiliating himself.....12 minutes....




11/  Totally agree with this story from Mother Jones....Democrats have to grow a pair for once and go nuclear on RGB's replacement.......
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It’s a popular sentiment on the left: Don’t mourn, organize. But with the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, that won’t be enough. Ginsburg, a hero of female empowerment and of the Supreme Court, deserves much mourning. But Democrats and progressives can waste no time prepping for the battle royale that lies ahead.



12/  The Meidas Touch with a great ad - Trump and health care.....




13/  If you have ever wondered why poor people vote against their own interests like rural Republicans 
continue to do, read this.
It rings true, and could easily describe the inhabitants of the house you pass with the broken down cars, junk in the front yard etc. and a proudly displayed Trump sign.
What it doesn't explain is the middle class people you know who live in nice homes, in nice neighborhoods still supporting Trump. 
That I don't get......
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The question was posed, "Why do people continue supporting Trump no matter what he does?" A lady named Bev answered it this way:
“You all don't get it. I live in Trump country, in the Ozarks in southern Missouri, one of the last places where the KKK still has a relatively strong established presence.
They don't give a shit what he does. He's just something to rally around and hate liberals, that's it, period.
He absolutely realizes that and plays it up. They love it. He knows they love it.
The fact that people act like it's anything other than that proves to them that liberals are idiots, all the more reason for high fives all around.
If you keep getting caught up in "why do they not realize this problem" and "how can they still back Trump after this scandal," then you do not understand what the underlying motivating factor of his support is. It's fuck liberals, that's pretty much it.
Have you noticed he can do pretty much anything imaginable, and they'll explain some way that rationalizes it that makes zero logical sense?
Because they're not even keeping track of any coherent narrative, it's irrelevant. Fuck liberals is the only relevant thing.
Trust me; I know firsthand what I'm talking about.
That's why they just laugh at it all because you all don't even realize they truly don't give a fuck about whatever the conversation is about.
It's just a side mission story that doesn't matter anyway.
That's all just trivial details - the economy, health care, whatever.
Fuck liberals.
Look at the issue with not wearing the masks.
I can tell you what that's about. It's about exposing fear. They're playing chicken with nature, and whoever flinches just moved down their internal pecking order, one step closer to being a liberal.
You've got to understand the one core value that they hold above all others is hatred for what they consider weakness because that's what they believe strength is, hatred of weakness.
And I mean passionate, sadistic hatred.
And I'm not exaggerating. Believe me.
Sadistic, passionate hatred, and that's what proves they're strong, their passionate hatred for weakness.
Sometimes they will lump vulnerability in with weakness.
They do that because people tend to start humbling themselves when they're in some compromising or overwhelming circumstance, and to them, that's an obvious sign of weakness.
Kindness = weakness. Honesty = weakness.
Compromise = weakness.
They consider their very existence to be superior in every way to anyone who doesn't hate weakness as much as they do.
They consider liberals to be weak people that are inferior, almost a different species, and the fact that liberals are so weak is why they have to unite in large numbers, which they find disgusting, but it's that disgust that is a true expression of their natural superiority.
Go ahead and try to have a logical, rational conversation with them. Just keep in mind what I said here and be forewarned.”




14/  A compilation of dancing from the movies to the tune of "Footloose".....the song gets a little tiresome.....
But the moves! Wow....




15/  Good column from the Times on what the Western States need to do to mitigate the wildfires that will consume more and more land and houses....unfortunately a few of the things that need to be done are politically toxic....
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Gov. Gavin Newsom, standing in an ash-coated clearing scorched by the largest wildfires in California’s recorded history, last week vowed to fast-track his state’s transition to 100 percent renewable energy, a target previously set for 2045. “This is a climate damn emergency,” he declared.




16/  Tom Tomorrow nails it again......
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17/  Where would we be without a Floriduh story, but this one hits a little close to home.....masks and the harassment 
you get if you wear one....
In North Carolina there is no issue with wearing a mask - everyone does in indoor spaces, and everyone social distances....
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I know many are hearing the same thing in other states but here in Florida, it is ridiculous and with DeSantis heading the ignorance,  the careful are being harassed.

https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2020/9/17/1978086/--FL-Ignorant-about-masks-and-Covid-Warning-if-you-are-a-mask-wearer-in-Fl-Danger




18/  For you Twitterati.....
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19/  Yay - Fargo is back, with Chris Rock as the main character.....
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Today's Catholic joke...

In parochial school students are
taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a
bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings
      

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.       

An attractive young woman on a
flight from Ireland
asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'      

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'       

Well, I bought my mother an expensive
hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate  it. Is there any way you could carry
it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'     

 

'I would love to help you, dear, but I
must warn you, I will not lie.'     

 

'With your honest face, Father, no one
will question you.'       


When they got to Customs, she let the
priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to
declare?'       

'From the top of my head down to my
waist I have nothing to declare.'       

The official thought this answer
strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the
floor?'     


'I have a marvelous instrument designed
to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'     


Roaring with laughter, the official
said, 'Go ahead, Father.   Next please!'       

  

 


Today's golf jokes
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________
A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
           

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
___________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
 
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
____ _______________________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
___________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


Today's clever joke....
Hell Explained
Allegedly, the following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor share it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number two must be true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The
corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct..... .....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.