Wednesday, May 29, 2024

Davids Daily Dose - Wednesday May 29th

 

1/. A Floriduh story that will leave you disgusted at the corruption in our State......how lobbyists killed 
legislation that would give people working outside regular breaks in the summer heat....

For just one moment, it seemed like a new day had dawned in the Florida Capitol.

Since 2018, a coalition of farmworkers and construction laborers — the folks who pick strawberries, harvest sugarcane, shingle roofs, and build homes — had been pleading with state lawmakers to do something to protect people who work outside in the steamy Florida heat.

These workers weren’t asking for much. All they wanted was for the Florida Legislature to pass a bill encouraging businesses in industries where employees regularly work outdoors — like agriculture, construction and landscaping — to train their staffs to spot signs of heat stress and to provide basic safety precautions, like water and shade.

The new law would have been more suggestion than command: There wouldn’t have been any penalties for businesses that refused to comply.

https://jasongarcia.substack.com/p/no-water-no-shade-how-homebuilders?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=687064&post_id=144976808&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=true&r=2cwgv&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=email



2/. Tom Tomorrow kills it again......



3/ Oh great.....

With the Atlantic Ocean heating to levels normally seen in August, federal meteorologists on Thursday issued their most aggressive preseason hurricane forecast in history.

Storm experts at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration are calling for an “above average” 2024 Atlantic hurricane season with up to 25 named storms, of which as many as 13 could spin into hurricanes and up to seven could muscle to major hurricane status with a Category 3 strength or higher.           https://www.tampabay.com/hurricane/2024/05/23/buckle-up-noaa-meteorologists-agree-it-could-be-extraordinary-hurricane-season/?trk_msg=TD5MVNUPQ3L4BDB4GS0E3CBHVG&trk_contact=5ILDLPD5T0E286HEQOR4R5OR8G&trk_sid=0LMTMOV4PIQRBTPI8CKFBIKK8G&trk_link=20RQ8S3KUH3KV0VA9730TAEC1G&utm_email=fbbe473f5037f7de779a9b352866aaa97ce40dede88d542358cbe645dd211019&utm_source=Breaking+News&utm_medium=MG2_Newsletter&utm_term=NOAA+meteorologists+agree+it+could+be+an+extraordinary’+hurricane+season&utm_campaign=times-breaking-news



4/.  Worms!


5/. Alito's treachery goes deeper than you might know.....great story from Thom Hartmann.....

Senator Dick Durbin, chairman of the Judiciary Committee, needs to act.

Supreme Court Associate Justice Sam Alito was just caught red-handed promoting Trump’s fascist “stop the steal” campaign to overthrow the 2020 election and end democracy in America by flying the upside-down flag at his home. He then went on Fox “News” and lied that it was his wife’s fault and that she did it because schoolchildren at a nearby bus stop saw a neighbor’s “F*ck Trump” yard sign.

https://hartmannreport.com/p/the-supreme-scheme-how-alito-and-7a9?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=302288&post_id=144787078&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=true&r=2cwgv&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=email



6/. Jordan Klepper went to Europe and reported from the front lines on the war in Ukraine, and interviewed 
the President of Estonia, who is wonderful.....



7/. Tom Tomorrow was in court!



8/. Heather Cox Richardson, in her insightful and analytical way, looks at the problems Trump is having.....

On Wednesday, May 22, former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley, who had been the candidate for anti-Trump Republicans, said she will vote for Trump. Haley ran against Trump for the Republican presidential nomination and maintained a steady stream of criticism of him, calling him “unstable,” “unhinged” and “a disaster…for our party.” Since she suspended her campaign in early March, she has continued to poll at around 20% of Republican primary voters. 

There are two ways to look at Haley’s capitulation. It might show that Trump is so strong that he has captured the entire party and is sweeping it before him. In contrast, it might show that Trump is weak, and Haley made this concession to his voters either in hopes of stepping into his place or in a desperate move to cobble the party, whose leaders are keenly aware they are an unpopular minority in the country, together. 

https://heathercoxrichardson.substack.com/p/may-24-2024?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=20533&post_id=144962472&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=false&r=2cwgv&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=email



9. Hmmmm.....the new Biden campaign ad....



10/. The abortion loonies are relentless......

AMERICANS DON’T WANT  abortion to be banned. In fact, they barely want it legislated at all: A 2024 poll found that 81 percent of voters don’t want abortion issues to be regulated by the government. Instead, they want the decision to be between a patient and their doctor. 
That overwhelming support for legal abortion leaves Republicans with a major problem: How do you defend and push a policy that no one wants? In the nearly two years since Roe v. Wade was overturned, the GOP has faced an unprecedented backlash. They’re losing election after election — from the 2022 midterms to state Supreme Court races — and abortion rights win every time they are on the ballot. Republicans are even considering doing away with the term “pro-life” because Americans view it as too extreme. The horror stories regularly coming out of states with abortion bans certainly don’t help. 




11/. A classic SNL sketch - Kate McKinnon, Billie Ellish and others sing a song you won't believe...."Tampon Farm"....



12/. Alito upside down.....



13/. More on the Brain Worm and voters' brains.....




14/. Do you eat ultra-processed foods? You'll regret it.....

Shopping for yogurt, bread and granola bars might feel like a healthy decision. The dairy seems like a calcium-boosting choice for kids, the whole-grain bread looks better than the white bread, and granola bars appear so much better for you than chips or gummy bears – and in many ways, they are.

But a growing number of grocery-store foods – even ones that appear healthy – are what scientists today call “ultra-processed”: fruit-flavored yogurts packed full of sugars, flavorings and thickeners like guar and carob bean gum; or packaged bread, with ingredients like soy lecithin and monoglycerides slipped in alongside the flour and water.



15/. Why Red Lobster REALLY went under - private equity stripped all of the assets and screwed the restaurants on the rent. 
The media went with the unlimited shrimp story, but the reality was the greed of the hedge fund driving the company into insolvency.....capitalism unchained......

Angry that your favorite Red Lobster closed down? Wall Street wizardry had a lot to do with it.

Red Lobster was America’s largest casual dining operation, serving 64 million customers a year in almost 600 locations across 44 states and Canada. Its May 19 bankruptcy filing and closing of almost 100 locations across the country has devastated its legion of fans and 36,000 workers. The chain is iconic enough to be featured in a BeyoncĂ© song.

Assigning blame for company failures is tricky. But some analysts say the root of Red Lobster’s woes was not the endless shrimp promotions that some have blamed. Yes, the company lost $11 million from the shrimp escapade, its bankruptcy filing shows, and suffered from inflation and higher labor costs. But a bigger culprit in the company’s problems is a financing technique favored by a powerful force in the financial industry known as private equity.



16/. This toon says it all.....




17/. Absolutely cannot wait for this to go streaming......
The controversial Trump biopic "The Apprentice"....

EVERY SUPERHERO GETS an origin story. So, for that matter, do most supervillains. The Apprentice drops viewers into New York circa 1973, when a 34-year-old resident of Queens walked in to the upper-crust establishment on the Upper West Side known as Le Club. He went there in an attempt to impress a young woman. He’d leave having met a well-known lawyer and well-connected member of New York’s elite, who would end up changing his life. The legal eagle was the notorious Roy Cohn. The outer-borough wannabe was Donald Trump.




18/.  The best movies so far this year from the Times.....

Looking for a good movie to pass the time this Memorial Day weekend? The New York Times’s chief film critic, Manohla Dargis, and movie critic, Alissa Wilkinson, have you covered. Here are their top picks for the year so far. All are in theaters or available on demand.

In theaters; June 7 on Netflix.

The story: Glen Powell is a philosophy professor who moonlights for the police in New Orleans when he finds himself undercover posing as a hit man in this Richard Linklater movie. An encounter with Madison (Adria Arjona), a housewife looking to hire him, raises the stakes, comedically and romantically.

Alissa Wilkinson’s take: “If I see a movie more delightful than “Hit Man” this year, I’ll be surprised. It’s the kind of romp people are talking about when they say that “they don’t make them like they used to”: It’s romantic, sexy, hilarious, satisfying and a genuine star-clinching turn for Glen Powell, who’s been having a moment for about two years now.” Read the review.




19/. If you've ever watched "Outer Range" with Josh Brolin, you will appreciate this story. We watched the first series, and felt exactly like the reviewer about it.....interesting but also somehow incomplete......too many loose ends. 
So looking forward to watching Season 2 on Amazon......

Season 1 of “Outer Range,” on Amazon, was intriguing and unsatisfying — lush, expansive and compelling, but also marred by abundant faux-deep nonsense and a total lack of resolution. It’s a “this is my family’s land, grumble grumble” ranch drama ostensibly starring Josh Brolin, but the real star of the show is a big hole. And not just any hole — a magic hole! A hole that transports you through time! Sometimes people disappear. Sometimes the hole disappears.

I happily devoured that first season but didn’t think I cared much about it. And yet, I kept thinking about “Outer Range” in the two years since its debut. When I watched other shows in which people dejectedly shook their heads, slowly put on their cowboy hats and then sadly — maybe … sexy-sadly? — stammered wisdom, I thought, “What ever happened to that hole show?” 



20/. Vanity Fair with 23 summer movies to get excited about.....




Today's ladies joke
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off  her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they decided to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that hisnormally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hungover,
So he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station,
We'll never forget you.'" 


Todays awful groaner
A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist looked inside and said, "That new upperplate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," said the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive.
It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple," replied the dentist. "Dental researchers have concluded that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."



Today's golf joke
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
 
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
 
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
 
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
 
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
 
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. 

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --' She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”
 


Today's blonde joke

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
 
"T-G-I-F"
 

He smiled at her and replied,
 
"S-H-I-T"
 

She looked puzzled and repeated,
 
"T-G-I-F,"
 more slowly.

He again answered,
 
"S-H-I-T."


The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 
"T-G-I-F."


The man smiled back to her and once again, 
"S-H-I-T."


The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F'
 means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
 
"S-H-I-T'
 means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'.....



Today's teacher joke

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'


'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and...

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.






Monday, May 20, 2024

Davids Daily Dose - Monday May 20th

 


1/. Excellent column from Michelle Goldberg as she runs through the Republican outrages of the week......
With MAGA Republicans, hurting somebody "lower" than them gets them off....

John McEntee — who started out carrying Donald Trump’s bags and rose to become, in the chaotic final days of Trump’s presidency, his most important enforcer — has a TikTok account. In a video he published last week, he explains how he likes to keep “fake Hollywood money” in his car to give to homeless people. “Then when they go to use it, they get arrested, so I’m actually like helping clean up the community,” he said.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/13/opinion/kristi-noem-vice-signaling-maga.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare



2/. Trump [James Austin Johnson] gives us an update from the courthouse steps....
SNL cold open.....very amusing....




3/. And if the above story needs confirmation that with Republicans, cruelty is the point, 
Florida is almost the worst and pretty close to as bad as Texas....

An organization led by a wealthy Republican donor helped write a controversial new state law meant to force homeless people across Florida into state-sanctioned camps, according to records obtained by the Orlando Sentinel.

Emails obtained by the Sentinel through a public-records request show that a lobbyist for the Texas-based “Cicero Institute” sent a package of homelessness-related legislation last fall to the office of Florida House Speaker Paul Renner (R-Palm Coast).

Key elements of Cicero’s plan were then incorporated into House Bill 1365, a new law requiring cities and counties across the state to stop people from sleeping or camping in parks, under highway overpasses, or on any other public property  unless they are inside a secured camp that has been approved by the state. The bill passed Florida’s Republican-controlled Legislature on largely party-line votes and was quickly signed into law by Gov. Ron DeSantis, who has also worked with Cicero and its lobbyists in the past.



4/. it all looked good for a while.....



5/  The Times with an interactive analysis of the coming insurance crisis all over the country.....
Did you know insurers are now cancelling policies in Iowa? Iowa!

At first glance, Dave Langston’s predicament seems similar to headaches facing homeowners in coastal states vulnerable to catastrophic hurricanes: As disasters have become more frequent and severe, his insurance company has been losing money. Then, it canceled his coverage and left the state.

But Mr. Langston lives in Iowa.

Relatively consistent weather once made Iowa a good bet for insurance companies. But now, as a warming planet makes events like hail and wind storms worse, insurers are fleeing.

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2024/05/13/climate/insurance-homes-climate-change-weather.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare



6/. Jon Stewart....a really funny one....



7/. Trump voters don't care about Stormy's revelations.....

Stormy Daniels may have regarded sex with Donald Trump as brief, unimaginative and regrettable but the porn star gripped the nation with a salacious and lengthy retelling of the encounter to a New York court this week.

Daniels’s humiliating testimony in Trump’s fraud trial infuriated the former president who glowered from a few feet away. But her account only confirmed what most Americans already knew about a man widely regarded as a sexual predator and appeared unlikely to change many votes in November’s presidential election.Stormy Daniels may have regarded sex with Donald Trump as brief, unimaginative and regrettable but the porn star gripped the nation with a salacious and lengthy retelling of the encounter to a New York court this week.

Daniels’s humiliating testimony in Trump’s fraud trial infuriated the former president who glowered from a few feet away. But her account only confirmed what most Americans already knew about a man widely regarded as a sexual predator and appeared unlikely to change many votes in November’s presidential election.



8/. Cruelty is the point.....




9/. In a few weeks this prick Alito is going to vote on whether Trump has immunity.....
They just don't care any more....

An upside-down American flag was reportedly spotted flying outside the home of the conservative US supreme court justice Samuel Alito during the closing days of Donald Trump’s presidential term in 2021.

The inverted flag is a symbol that has become associated with Trump’s false claims that Joe Biden stole the election.

Used by some Trump supporters during the January 6 Capitol riot, the upside-down flag was seen outside Alito’s home on 17 January 2021 – 10 days after the riot in DC and three days before Biden’s inauguration, according to a report in the New York Times on Friday.

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/may/17/supreme-court-alito-upside-down-flag?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other



10/. Tom Tomorrow and the weird world we live in.....



11/. Thom Hartmann on how Republicans are openly planning to steal the November election......
The question is what are the Democrats doing to counter this? You guessed it.....nada....

The GOP’s favorite phrase when it comes to presidential politics appears to be, “Nobody knew at the time.” 

Once a president is sworn into office, regardless of how much evidence there is of crimes and irregularities committed to get him there, both the press and the electorate just seem to want to ignore that evidence and move along. After all, there’s never been a successfully contested presidential election in American history.

Which is why the GOP will again count on getting away with their crimes against electoral democracy this fall. The big question for America will be, “What did we miss that we should have known at the time?”

We have, you’ll recall, seen this movie before:

https://hartmannreport.com/p/which-nobody-knew-at-the-time-will-759?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=302288&post_id=144604347&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=true&r=2cwgv&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=email



12/. SNL - Commercial for Lanzettis Lawn Care, where the guys will definitely NOT sleep with your wife....



13/. Let's hope this works.....a Progressive group is taking on the corrupt Supreme Court....

UNITED FOR DEMOCRACY, a coalition of progressive groups and labor unions, is gearing up to launch a $10 million persuasion and base activation campaign centered on “the MAGA Supreme Court.” The coalition will spend $1 million on ads in Arizona and Pennsylvania, as well as in the Washington, D.C., area, and the campaign will also involve canvassing and events, officials tell Rolling Stone.

The United for Democracy coalition, which launched last year with a seven-figure ad buy, counts 140 member organizations, including major labor unions, reproductive rights advocates, environmental groups, and liberal think tanks.                                                                                                                                                                                            https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/progressive-campaign-supreme-court-maga-1235019403/


14/. Imaginary.....or is it?

15/  Paul Krugman and the lunatic Republican party's policies....

MAGA Republicans say that America is in crisis: The economy is collapsing while the nation is being overrun by hordes of violent immigrants. Not true.

But if that’s what you believe, you should be laser-focused on fighting the clear and present danger, right?

Instead, they’re focused on the menace of woke washing machines.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/09/opinion/republicans-home-appliances.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare




16/. The weirdest story of the week....




17/. Judge Cannon, the one delaying Trump's trial for no good reason at all, is a 
creature of Leonard Leo of the Federalist Society.....

Let me ask you a question: How many all-expenses-paid vacations at luxury hunting and fishing lodges have you enjoyed over the last few years? I’m not talking about a motel in the boonies of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan or a drafty log cabin on a lake in Maine or Minnesota. We’re talking about a luxury resort on 1,200 acres alongside the Yellowstone River just outside Yellowstone National Park. We’re talking about a lodge featuring rooms with stone fireplaces that go for upwards of $1,000 a night in high season, meals that include “house-cured meats from local ranches, garden-fresh produce from nearby farms, and, of course plenty of Northwest craft beers and spirits,” as the resort’s website describes the offerings.



18/. A really true toon.....



19/. Last week's WE
Weekend Update #1 - not too bad at all.....

Weekend Update #2 - Che has some good ones.....

Weekend Update #3 - Sarah Sherman is RFK's brain worm......funny....

Weekend Update #4 - Heidi Gardner insists she is not angry.....funny +....




20/. DeSantisland Florida, the state most vulnerable to climate change, doesn't believe in it.....
Floriduh indeed...

In 2023, water off the coast of Florida reached over 90 degrees Fahrenheit. The same year, Hurricane Idalia caused approximately $3.6 billion in damages and 12 fatalities across the US. The year before that, Hurricane Ian caused an estimated $115 billion in damages and killed nearly 150 people. Meanwhile, the state is literally sinking.

Numerous scientific studies have shown that all of this is happening because of climate change, which itself is happening due to an increase of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, which largely occurs from the burning of gas, coal, and oil. Unfortunately for the people of Florida, Republicans decided some time ago that science is for communists and that the party would be better off adopting a platform of burying the planet in a shallow grave.




21/. Vanity Fair lists 13 TV series you may have missed.....
Some really good series in this story....




22/. The Times gives us 5 sci-fi movies to stream......

Five Science Fiction Movies to Stream Now

In this month’s sci-fi picks, surviving a pandemic and predicting a catastrophe.





23/. Rolling Stone and the 15 movies they like coming to the Cannes Film Festival.....can't wait for a couple! [Furiosa!]

A MUSICAL INVOLVING drug cartels, gender identity, and Selena Gomez. A Brooklyn sex worker’s fairy-tale romance involving a Russian oligarch’s son. An Italian director’s tribute to his hometown, via the sort of go-for-baroque filmmaking that’s become rarer and rarer, and a woman named after a siren from The Odyssey. A French filmmaker’s tribute to his own career, filled with past heroes and villains from a rich back catalog. The return of a New Hollywood legend. A high-octane sequel from an Australian New Wave legend. A harrowing yet uplifting doc on Ukraine. A biopic on Donald Trump: The Younger, Pre-Fascist Years!



24/. And speaking of "Mad Max - Furiosa", here is a profile of Anna Taylor-Joy [star of Queen's Gambit] which 
is quite interesting.....

There’s nothing normal about making a “Mad Max” movie, and Anya Taylor-Joy knew that when she signed on to star in “Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga,” the newest film in George Miller’s long-running action series.

“I wanted to be changed,” she said. “I wanted to be put in a situation in extremis where I would have no choice but to grow. And I got it.”

Trials by fire don’t burn much hotter than the conflagration that consumed “Mad Max: Fury Road” (2015), the most recent film in the franchise, which was one of the most infamously difficult productions in Hollywood history. In the works for nearly two decades, the movie was shut down several times by studio executives, who feared they were producing a big-budget boondoggle. And the constant clashes between Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron, two of its stars, in the remote Namibian desert required outside intervention.




Today's groaner.....
A fisherman was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. 
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. 
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. 
They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. 
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. 
The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. .. ....
(get ready)
'You just happened to catch my eye.'



Today's good advice....
ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO FLORIDA:
1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. 
Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. 
Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". && the collateral phrase "You call this hot?? Wait 'till August."
5. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
6. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.
7. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is.
8. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.
9. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
10. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers && hotdogs outdoors.
11. Everything's better with Ranch dressing.
12. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious, we will sit there until we die.
13. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass.
14. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. 
Some people put their hand over their heart.
15. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.
16. No matter what kind : sprite, coke, pepsi, mtn dew, it is called SODA not COKE or POP 
Also no matter where we go SWEET TEA will also be the first choice.
17. If there’s an accident on the road, don’t slow down to take a picture, keep on going
18. If you don't like the weather in Florida, wait 15 minutes, it will change.
19. Be sure to have your passport on hand and ready should you go south of West Palm Beach
20. Publix subs



Today's oldie but goodie....
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 151 lbs. 
I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care 
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat 
one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. 
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. 
I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.



Today's dating joke..
I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."



Today's retiree joke
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. 
Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. 
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. 
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. 
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union 
grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows 
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 
EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' 
One of the clerks passed out.