Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Davids Daily Dose - Tuesday December 22nd

The last SNL was one of the best for a long while, but look at their guests - Tina and Amy! All of these videos today are good, but "Meet Your Second Wife" is exceptional....go on, you've got the time - it's Christmas!

Nothing too heavy for this holiday season - enjoy folks....


Yeay - Congress just passed a budget bill, and there was no gub'mint shutdown! But now we get to see what the corrupt, bought-and-paid-for scum in both Houses stuffed into this omnibus bill......

Thanks to Bill Moyers for keeping us informed.....

OMNIBUS
Print
There is an unwritten rule in Congress that before you do even a little for the working class you must do a lot for the donor class. So while the $1.1 trillion -- yes, that's a "t" -- budget bill now winding its way to passage contains some tax breaks for low-income workers, in reality, it's a bonanza for Big Business.
Congressional leadership actually split the bill in two with one devoted to spending and the other devoted to cuts. "That way," Paul Singer writes in USA Today, "Republican conservatives can vote against the spending bill, Democratic liberals can vote against the tax bill, and both bills still pass and a government shutdown is averted."








Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Kate McKinnon in a wonderful five minute skit with New Hillary, 08 Hillary and Sarah Palin.......satire at it's best....

The "SNL" moment we’ve all been waiting for — Tina Fey's Sarah Palin and Amy Poehler’s Hillary return: "I heard that after you lost you had to become a secretary"
There is nothing better than “Saturday Night Live” during a presidential election season. If the insanity of Tuesday’s CNN Republican Debate and the crappy moderators at the ABC Democratic Debate have you ready to tear your hair out, you need only wait for “SNL” to make it all better.
This week’s hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler crushed it. Tina Fey, of course, reprised her role as Sarah Palin and Amy Poehler as 2008 Hillary Clinton stood alongside Kate McKinnon’s new Hillary Clinton for a Very Hillary Christmas. “You changed your hair!” 2008 Hillary exclaims seeing the new version of herself. The 2008 Clinton was able to impart a great deal of wisdom on 2016 Clinton, telling her not to get too confident because “someone named Barack Obama stumbled out of a soup kitchen with a basketball and a cigarette and ruined my life.”










Michael Pollan with a short interviewed he tells us all not just what to eat, but how......great common sense guidelines, but the bottom line is don't eat Big Food's chemical laden shit.....

Any day now, the US government will put out new dietary guidelinestelling Americans what we should be eating. These instructions come out every five years, and they're used by doctors and nutritionists to give diet advice, by schools to plan kids' lunches, and by manufacturers to calculate nutrition information on food packages.
But the process behind these recommendations is ... murky.

A panel of government-appointed science advisers crunch nutrition data for months and then hand that information to officials at the US Department of Agriculture and Department of Health and Human Services in the form of a 600-page report. That data is then argued over for months, with input from farm industry representatives and others. Eventually, guidelines emerge.
Not surprisingly, these guidelines don't necessarily reflect the best science — they are a result of lobbying and political compromises. And historically, they do a terrible job of giving Americans clear advice about how to eat better, usually overcomplicating simple things we know about how to be healthy









The years best TV News bloopers.....about 14 minutes......









Every now and the we have some old fashioned wisdom from our journalists, like this column from Paul Krugman - don't be surprised at the rise of Trump, he's a creation of the Republican party......

Very interesting, and enlightening.....

Almost six months have passed since Donald Trump overtook Jeb Bush in polls of Republican voters. At the time, most pundits dismissed the Trump phenomenon as a blip, predicting that voters would soon return to more conventional candidates. Instead, however, his lead just kept widening. Even more striking, the triumvirate of trash-talk — Mr. Trump, Ben Carson, and Ted Cruz — now commands the support of roughly 60 percent of the primary electorate.
But how can this be happening? After all, the antiestablishment candidates now dominating the field, aside from being deeply ignorant about policy, have a habit of making false claims, then refusing to acknowledge error. Why don’t Republican voters seem to care?









SNL had a mock Republican debate, and it was of course much better than the pathetic spectacle on Tuesday.....a good six minutes....

"Debates are stupid. You should be paying me": "Saturday Night Live" mocks the GOP debate in brilliant cold open
“The results are in and everybody lost,” Jon Rudnitsky as Wolf Blitzer said about the “kids table” on “Saturday Night Live”‘s parody of CNN’s Republican Debate. “Now let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are…” he said, announcing the rest of the faux field of candidates: Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and “poor, sweet Jeb Bush.” Adding, “The rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.”
Former “SNL” cast member (and current announcer) Darrell Hammond came out as Trump, brilliantly insulting the entire field and calling Blitzer “Papa Smurf.” He slammed Bush as a “lightweight” and told everyone that Jeb’s real name is actually Jebra. “Hey Jebra, losers say what?” Trump said. “Hey Jebra, shut your pinhole!”












"Meet Your Second Wife" is a TV show hosted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.....an edgy, biting but VERY funny four minutes......
The setup: Fey and Poehler played the hosts of a secret new show, revealing to the three unsuspecting married male contestants (Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Kenan Thompson) that they were about to meet their future second wives. To each man's horror — as well as to their wives' in the audience — the women turn out to be inappropriately young. (Killam is going to marry someone who right now is five. Thompson, pleading to the gods, "Don't be white, don't be white," discovers that his second wife is currently an embryo.)
"Meet Your Second Wife" was a textbook example of how to squeeze everything out of a simple premise by playing the ridiculous conceit straight and without embellishment. The tiny details were what made it perfect:











Mexico is now building a huuuuuuuge wall across the border to keep out "American assholes"......an amusing two minutes in Spanish with subtitles from "The Onion"..........









In our last DDD we had a movie review of "The Big Short" - Paul Krugman saw the movie, and validates the underlying message of the movie in a good column.....
In May 2009 Congress created a special commission to examine the causes of the financial crisis. The idea was to emulate the celebrated Pecora Commission of the 1930s, which used careful historical analysis to help craft regulations that gave America two generations of financial stability.
But some members of the new commission had a different goal. George Santayana famously remarked that “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” What he didn’t point out was that some people want to repeat the past — and that such people have an interest in making sure that we don’t remember what happened, or that we remember it wrong.











Many of you will see "Star Wars - The Force Awakens" over the holiday, and according to the Times you'll be seeing a pretty good movie....

John Boyega and Daisy Ridley in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” directed by J. J. Abrams.
The big news about “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is — spoiler alert — that it’s good! Despite the prerelease hype, it won’t save the world, not even Hollywood, but it seamlessly balances cozy favorites — Harrison Ford, ladies and gentlemen — and new kinetic wows, along with some of the niceties that went missing as the series grew into a phenomenon, most crucially a scale and a sensibility that are rooted in the human. It has the usual toy-store-ready gizmos and critters, but it also has appealingly imperfect men and women whose blunders and victories, decency and goofiness remind you that a pop mythology like “Star Wars” needs more than old gods to sustain it.




Cool trailer!













Todays video - Mrs Brown handles a sticky situation.....British humor at it's best!














Todays marital joke.....










Todays college football jokes

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER INTELLECT
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:
 
"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
 
_______________________
                                                                                                           
 
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
 
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
 
_______________________
 
 
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
 
Drool.
 
_______________________
 
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
 
None. That's a sophomore course.
 
______________________
 
 
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
 
The cow fell on him.
 
_______________________
 
 
Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
 
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
 
_______________________
 
What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
 
"Will the defendant please rise."
 
_______________________
 
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
 
The police officer.

______________________
 
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?
 
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
 
_______________________
 
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
 
A full set of teeth.
 
_______________________
 
University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;
 
The other half will have to dress themselves.
 
______________________
 
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
 
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
 
_______________________
 
Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
 
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
 
_______________________
 
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
 
Pay him for the pizza.






Todays golf joke
A man had two of the best tickets for the Masters down in Augusta, Ga.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?

"He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away.This is the first Masters we haven't been to together since we got married.”

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else? A friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Davids Daily Dose - Saturday December 19th

1/  When serious magazines like Vanity Fair [two weeks ago] and now the New Yorker are publishing stories about Miami and the rise in sea levels it may start sinking in to South Floridians that they'd better not count on leaving their property to their grandkids.....

An excellent, informative and well written story called "The Siege Of Miami"......not alarmist, just the facts.....

In the Miami area, the daily high-water mark has been rising almost an inch a year.In the Miami area, the daily high-water mark has been rising almost an inch a year.CREDITILLUSTRATION BY JACOB ESCOBEDO
The city of Miami Beach floods on such a predictable basis that if, out of curiosity or sheer perversity, a person wants to she can plan a visit to coincide with an inundation. Knowing the tides would be high around the time of the “super blood moon,” in late September, I arranged to meet up with Hal Wanless, the chairman of the University of Miami’s geological-sciences department. Wanless, who is seventy-three, has spent nearly half a century studying how South Florida came into being. From this, he’s concluded that much of the region may have less than half a century more to go.
We had breakfast at a greasy spoon not far from Wanless’s office, then set off across the MacArthur Causeway. (Out-of-towners often assume that Miami Beach is part of Miami, but it’s situated on a separate island, a few miles off the coast.) It was a hot, breathless day, with a brilliant blue sky. Wanless turned onto a side street, and soon we were confronting a pond-sized puddle. Water gushed down the road and into an underground garage. We stopped in front of a four-story apartment building, which was surrounded by a groomed lawn. Water seemed to be bubbling out of the turf. Wanless took off his shoes and socks and pulled on a pair of polypropylene booties. As he stepped out of the car, a woman rushed over. She asked if he worked for the city. He said he did not, an answer that seemed to disappoint but not deter her. She gestured at a palm tree that was sticking out of the drowned grass.
“Look at our yard, at the landscaping,” she said. “That palm tree was super-expensive.” She went on, “It’s crazy—this is saltwater.”
“Welcome to rising sea levels,” Wanless told her.












2/  The fifth Republican debate was last week, and Mary and I managed only the first half before we became disgusted with the complete and absolute bullshit coming out of all of their mouths - fear, more fear, be afraid, kill Muslims......just amazing. 

Anyway here is Frank Rich with a look at the debate.....

GOP Presidential Candidates Debate In Las Vegas
Most weeks, New York Magazine writer-at-large Frank Rich speaks with contributor Alex Carp about the biggest stories in politics and culture. This week: the fifth GOP debate, Ted Cruz's rise in the polls, and how the media covers the Donald — and the rest of the 2016 field.
Last night's debate was the first time the GOP field has been on the same stage since the attacks in Paris and San Bernardino. How did those events change the way the candidates tried to distinguish themselves from each other?
The debate was almost solely focused on fear, and the main way the candidates tried to distinguish themselves from each other could be found in their race to determine who could best exploit and ramp up the audience’s worst nightmares of imminent Armageddon. (The exception was Rand Paul, the only candidate whose foreign policy is neocon-averse and not contrived to pander to the likes of the casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, the party’s Las Vegas host.) The problem with this focus is that you can’t out-Trump Trump, who runs the table when it comes to sowing fear, preaching xenophobia, and projecting bellicosity. You can’t beat a platform that consists of (a) promising to “bomb the shit out of them” and (b) barring all Muslims from entering the U.S. This is why Trump’s lead (among Republicans) has been growing in national polls, and why it is likely to continue to grow after last night, no matter how many observers ritualistically say he’s a terrible debater (true) and that surely by now he must have peaked. http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2015/12/gop-debate-was-brought-to-you-by-fear-itself.html











3/  George W. [played by Will Ferrell] was on SNL to announce he's running for a third term.....starts slow, but stick with it as it's really funny.....five minutes....

CaptureThis week’s Saturday Night Live opened in high style with alum-turned-film star Will Ferrell playing former President George W. Bush in the cold open. The momentous occasion? An announcement that the term-limited Dubya will seek the 2016 Republican nomination for president.






















4/  Trump is dangerous because he has given permission to the bigots and haters to vent their spleens at Muslims, Mexicans and blacks......an excellent column from Timothy Egan in the Times.....

Trump has no solutions for the desperate angst of his followers. Tearing up trade agreements is not going to happen. Deporting workers who pick our fruit and hang sheetrock is not going to lift the fortunes of those who will no longer do those jobs. Barring all Muslims will not make us safer.

What he’s done is to give marginalized Americans permission to hate. He doesn’t use dog whistles or code. His bigotry is overt. But the table was set by years of dog whistles and code. The very “un-American” sentiment that Republican elders now claim to despise has been a mainstay of conservative media for at least a decade.













5/  A really incredible "People Are Awesome".....some feats of strength it's difficult to believe......two minutes which will make you feel inadequate.....
Nice song too.....













6/  A similar message from Paul Krugman on Mr. Trump, but with the take that he represents the fact the elites have unleashed forces they can't control......

We live in an era of political news that is, all too often, shocking but not surprising. The rise of Donald Trump definitely falls into that category. And so does the electoral earthquake that struck France in Sunday’s regional elections, with the right-wing National Front winning more votes than either of the major mainstream parties.
What do these events have in common? Both involved political figures tapping into the resentments of a bloc of xenophobic and/or racist voters who have been there all along. The good news is that such voters are a minority; the bad news is that it’s a pretty big minority, on both sides of the Atlantic. If you are wondering where the support for Mr. Trump or Marine Le Pen, the head of the National Front, is coming from, you just haven’t been paying attention.













7/  John Oliver with three minutes on "regifting".....only fair, but there's not a lot of comedy around this week!












8/  An intelligent article on the full implications of having our college graduates enter the workplace with major student debt - it's crippling some professions and public service, and businesses are waking up to the fact that something needs to change.

This really is an interesting discussion, and will open your eyes to the law of unintended consequences that our corrupt university system has produced.....

student debtStudent loans present a barrier for entering a number of professional fields.
The discussion over the student-loan crisis has become much more sophisticated of late. Instead of sneering coverage of people with expensive basket-weaving degrees, or anomic millennials too entitled and disaffected to get a job and pay off their debts, there's increasing focus on places where student loans are genuinely an emergency. Predatory for-profit schools have left people far in debt with worthless degrees, while students who didn't graduate are hit with a double whammy of carrying debts without an income boost from a college degree to show for it.
We know this is a crisis because we can measure it. We can see delinquencies using data from the Treasury Department. We can see where people have far too high debt-to-income ratios from academic surveys of incomes or from for-profit credit reporting agencies; they are concentrated in poor areas. And we can see the way for-profit schools implode like a fly-by-night racket the moment they encounter any formal accountability measure for their practices and actions. This all tells a story of a student-loan crisis that's real, but one that's limited to the world in which the system didn't work for students.
While these arguments are being led by academics and activists, there's another group of interested parties: Professional business groups, representing members of their occupation, are also telling a story about student loans.














9/  Star Wars came out yesterday, so of course "Bad Lip Reading" had to do a Star Wars episode......seven hilarious minutes.....

Resisting Star Wars is futile. There are Star Wars oranges. There is Star Warsmakeup. There is even Star Wars coffee creamer. And now there is a Star Warsedition of Bad Lip Reading.
Because the release of Star Wars: Episode VII — The Force Awakens is such a special occasion, the team at BLR assembled an all-star cast to give the franchise the Bad Lip Reading treatment it deserves. Jack Black, Maya Rudolph, and Bill Hader all lend their voices to the cause.
The clip reveals what Darth Vader texts to Leia, where R2D2 gets his fear of Luke, and that Han Solo apparently likes to hoard fireworks, grilled meat, and monkeys in bottles. It isn't supposed to make sense, but somehow it sort of does. Although that could just be the Star Wars overload talking.













10/  The Paris talks on climate change are over, and the world now has a new agreement to reduce CO2....and by the way it's worthless, no teeth and all voluntary.....

But even if it was implemented, already built into the climate is a rise to 2 degrees C by 2100 [but possible long before then]....and according to this story from Newsweek by then a lot of the damage will have been done so our oceans, soil, fresh water, vegetation, flooding and much more extreme weather will change our civilization irrevocably......


Most Climate Change Damage Will Happen Before the Two-Degrees Warming Threshold

BY    12/12/15 AT 9:49 AM
coral reefs and climate change
Coral reefs are highly sensitive to climate change, and may experience most damage at relatively low warming thresholds. “Once you've killed off the coral reefs you are no longer at risk of killing off the coral reefs,” explains Ken Caldeira, an environmental scientist at Stanford University
Most discourse regarding climate change is based around a simple premise: The more the Earth warms, the greater the damage done to the planet. But in new paper published in Nature Geoscience, a team of researchers found that presupposition is fundamentally flawed. The reality, they write, is more ominous.
Almost all the damage from climate change to vulnerable categories like coral reefs, freshwater availability and plantlife could happen before two degrees Celsius warming, the internationally recognized “do not cross” danger threshold. Beyond that point, further warming might have a relatively small impact. That’s because, as Ken Caldeira, an environmental scientist at Stanford University and an author of the paper, put it, there won’t be much left to ruin.
“Once you've killed off the coral reefs you are no longer at risk of killing off the coral reefs,” he said.

Saturation of Impacts
Some climate change impacts rise fast with little warming, and then taper off, write a team of researchers in a paper published during the 2015 Paris climate talks










11/  The country, neighborhoods, states, and even subdivisions are becoming enclaves for either Republicans or Democrats, and we are choosing our friends as well according to their political beliefs....

Really insightful.....

In 1960, Americans were asked whether they would be pleased, displeased, or unmoved if their son or daughter married a member of the other political party.
Respondents reacted with a shrug. Only 5 percent of Republicans, and only 4 percent of Democrats, said they would be upset by the cross-party union. On the list of things you might care about in child's partner — are they kind, smart, successful, supportive? — which political party they voted for just didn't rate.
Fast forward to 2008. The polling firm YouGov asked Democrats and Republicans the same question — and got very different results. This time, 27 percent of Republicans, and 20 percent of Democrats, said they would be upset if their son or daughter married a member of the opposite party. In 2010, YouGov asked the question again; this time, 49 percent of Republicans, and 33 percent of Democrats, professed concern at interparty marriage.











12/  This is a depressing story, an analysis of why the poor states stay red - it's because the poor who would vote Democratic have lost hope and don't bother to vote.........


AP Photo/The Advocate Messenger, Clay Jackson
Voting precinct booths are empty early Tuesday, May 17, 2011, in Danville, Kentucky. 
This is an updated version of an article that ran in The Huffington Post.
There’s a must-read article if you want to understand why Democrats are losing the support of low income people who benefit from government programs like Medicaid and food stamps and logically should vote for Democrats based on pocketbook interests.
Alec MacGillis of ProPublica, writing in The New York Times Sunday Review, observes that for the most part, the poor aren’t defecting to Republicans—they are not voting at all.
His exhibit A is eastern Kentucky, one of America’s poorest and most government-dependent regions. But the poor are so marginalized and disaffected that they are disconnected from civic life entirely.
Looking more broadly, MacGillis reports that non-voters are far more likely than voters to have incomes under $30,000, not to have health insurance, not to have bank accounts, to have received government aid such as food stamps, and to have borrowed money from relatives.
As if to confirm MacGillis’s point, consider Saturday’s Louisiana gubernatorial election. Remarkably, the Democrat actually won. All it took was a thoroughly disgraced and corrupt Republican opponent in David Vitter, who consorted with prostitutes, and an outgoing incumbent Republican incumbent, Bobby Jindal, who was a national joke.













13/  As a follow-on the the excellent story above: "The Siege Of Miami", is a place we don't often think about - The Florida Keys.....they are in trouble too......some good pictures of the flooded streets....

Key Largo (United States) (AFP) - Extreme high tides have turned streets into canal-like swamps in the Florida Keys, with armies of mosquitoes and the stench of stagnating water filling the air, and residents worried rising sea levels will put a damper on property values in the island chain.
On Key Largo, a tropical isle famous for snorkeling and fishing, the floods began in late September. 
While people expected high tides due to the season and the influence of a super moon, they were taken by surprise when a handful of streets in the lowest-lying neighborhoods stayed inundated for nearly a month with 16-inches (40-centimeters) of saltwater.
By early November, the roads finally dried up. But unusually heavy rains in December brought it all back again.
"Like a sewer," said Narelle Prew, 49, who has lived for the past 20 years in her four-bedroom home on Adams Drive, a waterfront lane lined by boat docks.













14/  Out last week, "The Big Short" has an rave review from the Times.....note all of the right wing press HATE this movie....

From left, Hamish Linklater, Jeremy Strong, Steve Carell and Rafe Spall, with Ryan Gosling in the background, in “The Big Short,” directed by Adam McKay.

A true crime story and a madcap comedy, a heist movie and a scalding polemic, “The Big Short” will affirm your deepest cynicism about Wall Street while simultaneously restoring your faith in Hollywood.

Written by Adam McKay (“Anchorman,” “Anchorman 2”) and Charles Randolph, and directed by Mr. McKay and released in the midst of “Star Wars” advent season, the film sets itself a very tall order. It wants not only to explain the financial crisis of 2008 — following the outline of Michael Lewis’s best-selling nonfiction book — but also to make the dry, complex abstractions of high finance exciting and fun. Celebrity cameos (from Margot Robbie, Anthony Bourdain and Selena Gomez, among others) are turned into miniseminars on the finer points of credit-default swaps and collateralized debt obligations. The story swerves and swings from executive suites and conference rooms to hectic Manhattan streets and desolate Florida subdivisions. The performances, the script and the camera itself seem to be running on a cocktail of Red Bull, Adderall and mescaline.




"The Big Short" trailer.....












Todays slideshow - "Walmart called - your Christmas photos are ready".....











Todays Dave joke

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?” “No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says. “President Obama”, his boss quickly retorts. “Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.”

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Dave. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope long time.” So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I now all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns he finds that his boss has fainted and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell’s that on the balcony with Dave?”








Todays Barbie joke

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.  He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?  

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'






Todays Viagra joke

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist
to fill his prescription for Viagra. 


"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four
pieces."

Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't
get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think
about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my
shoes."