The kids are safe. They always have been.
In the six months since an angry pro-Trump mob stormed the U.S. Capitol, immense efforts have been made not only to find the rioters and hold them accountable, but also — and perhaps more important — to dig into the details of Jan. 6 and slowly piece together what actually happened that day.
MOREHEAD, Ky. — In this pretty town on the edge of coal country, a high-tech greenhouse so large it could cover 50 football fields glows with the pinks and yellows of 30,600 LED and high-pressure sodium lights.Inside, without a teaspoon of soil, nearly 3 million pounds of beefsteak tomatoes grow on 45-feet-high vines whose roots are bathed in nutrient-enhanced rainwater. Other vines hold thousands of small, juicy snacking tomatoes with enough tang to impress Martha Stewart, who is on the board of AppHarvest, a start-up that harvested its first crop here in January and plans to open 11 more indoor farms in Appalachia by 2025.
Choice is something that we seem to be swimming in. If you go to any supermarket, you are practically assaulted by the many choices. Organic raspberries in January? No problem. Organic eggs at the lowest price in history? No problem.
Organic blueberries, greens, and tomatoes grown in healthy soil from your local farmer?
Well, uh...Surely you are asking for too much.
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- Begin any counterpoint by irately screaming “I respectfully disagree!” inches from your loved one’s face.
- Don’t languish in a circular argument. The quicker you can draw parallels between your friend’s opinion and militant fascism, the quicker you’ll win.
- Be considerate when your views differ from those of close family members. You’ll find they’re more receptive to your opinions if you preface them with a long, wet raspberry.
- Listen twice as much as you talk, and talk twice as much as you wave a gun in the air.
- Your grandmother has lived a lot more life than you have. Who knows? Maybe gays really were godless filth in the ’40s.
- Wait until the perfect moment to deploy your ace in the hole: that you read about this very topic somewhere just recently.
- Always remain open to the possibility that you’re wrong about how much you respect your father.
- Regularly remind yourself not to let political differences affect your personal relationship with your family. That’s the job of your grandfather’s estate.
Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee "Invite us to your next blowout." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." And the best one for last............ Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises " |
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