Thursday, September 13, 2012

Davids Daily Dose - Thursday September 13th



The last DDD had lots of funny video....this one is a little more serious.....some interesting stories.......

By the way "gumment" is Tea Party talk for "the government".......




1/  Excellent essay from Charles Pierce on the real problem with the economies of the world - we are addicted to growth, in a time when it's more and more difficult to get the resources to fuel that growth. So everyone is fighting over a diminishing share, and the political elites cannot or will not change direction......

We really have a problem, and it's not a small one, because the only strategy our leaders have is to frantically plug the holes in the leaky dam......

The ceaseless expansion of economic exploitation, the engine of global capitalism, has come to an end. The futile and myopic effort to resurrect this expansion—a fallacy embraced by most economists—means that we respond to illusion rather than reality. We invest our efforts into bringing back what is gone forever. This strange twilight moment, in which our experts and systems managers squander resources in attempting to re-create an expanding economic system that is moribund, will inevitably lead to systems collapse. The steady depletion of natural resources, especially fossil fuels, along with the accelerated pace of climate change, will combine with crippling levels of personal and national debt to thrust us into a global depression that will dwarf any in the history of capitalism. And very few of us are prepared.
“Our solution is our problem,” Richard Heinberg, the author of “The End of Growth: Adapting to Our New Economic Reality,” told me when I reached him by phone in California. “Its name is growth. But growth has become uneconomic. We are worse off because of growth. To achieve growth now means mounting debt, more pollution, an accelerated loss of biodiversity and the continued destabilization of the climate. But we are addicted to growth. If there is no growth there are insufficient tax revenues and jobs. If there is no growth existing debt levels become unsustainable. The elites see the current economic crisis as a temporary impediment. They are desperately trying to fix it. But this crisis signals an irreversible change for civilization itself. We cannot prevent it. We can only decide whether we will adapt to it or not.”
Heinberg, a senior fellow at the Post Carbon Institute, argues that we cannot grasp the real state of the global economy by the usual metrics—GDP, unemployment, housing, durable goods, national deficits, personal income and consumer spending—although even these measures point to severe and chronic problems. Rather, he says, we have to examine the structural flaws that sit like time bombs embedded within the economic edifice. U.S. household debt enabled the expansion of consumer spending during the boom years, he says, but consumer debt cannot continue to grow as house prices decline to realistic levels. Toxic assets litter the portfolios of the major banks, presaging another global financial meltdown. The Earth’s natural resources are being exhausted. And climate change, with its extreme weather conditions, is beginning to exact a heavy economic toll on countries, including the United States, through the destruction brought about by droughts, floods, wildfires and loss of crop yields.
which is paralyzed and hostage to corporate power. It is unable to respond rationally to the crisis or solve “even the most trivial of problems.”
Heinberg also highlights what he calls “the highly dysfunctional U.S. political system,” which is paralyzed and hostage to corporate power.
“The government at this point exacerbates nearly every crisis the nation faces,” he said. “Policy decisions do not emerge from deliberations between the public and elected leaders. They arise from unaccountable government agencies and private interest groups. The Republican Party has taken leave of reality. It exists in a hermetically sealed ideasphere where climate change is a hoax and economic problems can be solved by cutting spending and taxes. The Democrats, meanwhile, offer no realistic strategy for coping with the economic unraveling or climate change.”






















2/  And one of the dam plugs belongs to you - your savings. Checked your interest rates lately? Getting more than 1%? Good for you, but as this great article from the Times points out, by depressing interest rates artificially we are propping up our deficit by making it easier and cheaper for the Gumment to borrow money to just keep it all going.......

This is really interesting....another window on how the oligarchy works.......and they are NOT working for you......

A consumer complaint is ricocheting around the world: low interest rates are eating away at savings.
Bill Taren, a retiree near Orlando, Fla., discovered in August that his credit union would pay only 0.4 percent annual interest on his saving account, even though inflation averaged 2.8 percent over the last year. So he and his wife decided to just stuff their money in the mattress, he says, because at least there “we can see the cash when we want.”
Jeanne and André Bussière, in Annecy, France, have a stable pension and a bank account that pays 2 percent interest — “almost nothing,” they say — even though the consumer price index rose an average of 2.5 percent over the last year.
Jiang Rong, an information technology professional in Xiamen, China, decided to dive back into the speculative real estate market rather than watch his savings wither at the bank. In China, too, the cost of living is outrunning savings, as local restaurants nearly double their prices.
The fact that interest yields are so low in so many parts of the world is no coincidence. Rates are determined not only by markets, but also by government policy. And right now many governments say they have good reason to keep their own borrowing costs as low as they possibly can. Just last week, the government’s report on job growth in the United States showed continued weakness, and an international forecasting group warned that the European economic powerhouse, Germany, will fall into recession later this year.
Though bad for people trying to live off their savings, low interest rates happen to be quite good for anyone borrowing money, like governments themselves. Over time, interest rates below the inflation rate allow governments to refinance, erode or liquidate their debt, making it easier to live within their budgets without having to resort to more unpalatable spending cuts or tax increases.
Along with keeping rates low, governments are using a variety of tactics to encourage captive audiences, like pension funds and banks, to buy their debt. Consumers, in other words, are subtly subsidizing governments without even knowing it. Economists have compared this phenomenon to a hidden tax on people’s wealth.
“If you ask a central banker is that what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it, they’ll say ‘No, we’re just trying to get the economy going by making it easier for the private sector to borrow,’ ” said Neal Soss, chief economist at Credit Suisse. “But I have a syllogism for you: The government makes the rules. The government needs the money. So why should it surprise if the rules encourage you to lend the government money?”
This is not the first time governments have benefited by depressing interest rates, something economists refer to by the ominous name of “financial repression.”





















3/  You may have seen pictures of the Mars rover doing scientific work on the surface of Mars, but how did it get there? This is a video combining simulation and real footage of the Mars mission.....absolutely fascinating........6 minutes of marvelous engineering.......not geeky, ladies you will enjoy it.......























4/  Occasionally some of the business magazines have political stuff - like this story from Bloomberg BusinessWeek, where a reporter went to a Karl Rove fundraiser.....read on, and you will see why President Obama is in a serious fight......Rove is raising $300 million to spend on attack ads......

There is also a 3 minute video if you prefer.....

This is a window into what the serious Republican money really thinks about the November elections and what their priorities are......this may surprise you.......

A must read/see for anyone interested in politics....

On the final morning of the Republican National Convention, Karl Rove took the stage at the Tampa Club to provide an exclusive breakfast briefing to about 70 of the Republican Party’s highest-earning and most powerful donors. During the more than hour-long session, Rove explained to an audience dotted with hedge fund billionaires and investors—including John Paulson and Wilbur Ross—how his super PAC, American Crossroads, will persuade undecided voters in crucial swing states to vote against Barack Obama. He also detailed plans for Senate and House races, and joked, “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts!”
Then Rove pleaded with his audience for more money—much more.
This rare look at the mechanics of super-PAC fundraising and electoral strategy was likely not intended for reporters. I was invited as the guest of a financier who is a significant Republican donor. The financier knew that I was a journalist. At no point was I presented with, nor did I agree to, restrictions regarding the information I heard. Upon my arrival at the breakfast, I was not asked if I was a journalist. I gave my name, identified the person who had invited me, was handed a wristband, and ushered into the dining room. American Crossroads disputes this version of events, but a spokesman did not immediately return calls to elaborate.
The morning began with an address about the urgency of defeating Obama by Florida’s Republican Senator Marco Rubio. Crossroads Chief Executive Officer Steven Law followed and introduced some of the super PAC’s staff, referring to general counsel Tom Josefiak as “the guy who keeps us from ever having to wear orange jumpsuits.”
















5/  Underappreciated at the time, Robin Trower was the British version of Jimi Hendrix in the 70's.....here is a live performance of his most famous song "Bridge of Sighs"......10 minutes of geetar heaven.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0d1HilfLxA

















6/  Hard to describe this one......it's called "amazing people and awesome animals".....quite well done and worth a look.....3 minutes......

Guys - some bits are a little gooey, but what the hell.......























7/  What the hell have we done to our kids? We beat it into them if you don't have a degree you are unemployable, then when they scrape up the funds to go to an ever more expensive college we saddle them with debt that stays with them forever....literally. Then after they graduate with this expensive degree they venture into a job market that is tougher than it's ever been and they are hounded [legally] by debt collectors who can use federal resources to track them down.....

Apart from being young, fit and sexy [which is really good!] it sucks to be in your 20's.......they aren't going to have a boomers life.......

Debt Collectors Cashing In on Student Loans

Ruth Fremson/The New York Times
DODGING CREDITORS Amanda Cordeiro of Clermont, Fla., owes $55,000 in student loans. She has changed her phone number about four times in a year to avoid being found.
By 
Published: September 8, 2012 729 Comments
At a protest last year at New York University, students called attention to their mounting debt by wearing T-shirts with the amount they owed scribbled across the front — $90,000, $75,000, $20,000.
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On the sidelines was a business consultant for the debt collection industry with a different take.
“I couldn’t believe the accumulated wealth they represent — for our industry,” the consultant, Jerry Ashton, wrote in a column for a trade publication, InsideARM.com. “It was lip-smacking.”
Though Mr. Ashton says his column was meant to be ironic, it nonetheless highlighted undeniable truths: many borrowers are struggling to pay off their student loans, and the debt collection industry is cashing in.
As the number of people taking out government-backed student loans has exploded, so has the number who have fallen at least 12 months behind in making payments — about 5.9 million people nationwide, up about a third in the last five years.
In all, nearly one in every six borrowers with a loan balance is in default. The amount of defaulted loans — $76 billion — is greater than the yearly tuition bill for all students at public two- and four-year colleges and universities, according to a survey of state education officials.
In an attempt to recover money on the defaulted loans, the Education Department paid more than $1.4 billion last fiscal year to collection agencies and other groups to hunt down defaulters.
Hiding from the government is not easy.
“I keep changing my phone number,” said Amanda Cordeiro, 29, from Clermont, Fla., who dropped out of college in 2010 and has fielded as many as seven calls a day from debt collectors trying to recover her $55,000 in overdue loans. “In a year, this is probably my fourth phone number.”
Unlike private lenders, the federal government has extraordinary tools for collection that it has extended to the collection firms. Ms. Cordeiro has already had two tax refunds seized, and other debtors have had their paychecks orSocial Security payments garnisheed. Over all, the government recoups about 80 cents for every dollar that goes into default — an astounding rate, considering most lenders are lucky to recover 20 cents on the dollar on defaulted credit cards.
While the recovery rate is impressive, critics say it has left the government with little incentive to try to prevent defaults in the first place

















8/  When you watch movies on TV they have to edit some of the language, with occasional ridiculous results......love the first one......

Warning - salty language......



















9/  Hmmmm.....this is either a storm in a teacup, or the way the oligarchy is going to legally rape the world even worse than they are already. You have never heard of the Trans Pacific Partnership, but here's what the Times had about it a week ago in the Business section.....the usual corporate stuff you scan and move on to the next story....blah blah blah trade agreements blah blah........

VLADIVOSTOK, RUSSIA — Asia-Pacific nations have made a breakthrough in promoting trade in green technologies, and the United States is pressing ahead with efforts to carve out a regional free-trade zone, a senior U.S. official said Friday.
Speaking before a summit of leaders of the 21-member Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation forum, Demetrios Marantis, the deputy U.S. trade representative, said the group had agreed to cut import duties on technologies that can promote economic growth without endangering the environment.
“This is really a significant achievement, in that it shows how APEC can lead,” Mr. Marantis said in an interview after ministers finished their preparations for the summit meeting Saturday and Sunday in the Russian port of Vladivostok. “It allows us to accomplish the twin goals of liberalizing trade and green growth.”
Ministers agreed on a list of 54 green technologies that will be subject to import duties of 5 percent or less beginning in 2015, following through on a commitment made by leaders at the last APEC summit in Honolulu a year ago.
The list includes equipment used in generating power from renewable energy sources like the sun, wind and biomass; treating waste water; recycling; and environmental monitoring.
Officials have described the clean technology initiative as a main summit “deliverable” for APEC, a consensus-based group that focuses on economic issues and links rising nations led by China with advanced economies like that of the United States.
APEC represents 40 percent of the world’s population, 54 percent of its economic output and 44 percent of its trade. Exports within the group are expected nearly to triple over the next decade to $14.6 trillion, while exports to non-APEC countries will double to $5.6 trillion, according to PricewaterhouseCoopers.
Next year, APEC will tackle so-called local content requirements — in effect, import restrictions. The United States views the requirements as impediments to trade.
The diverse nature of the Pacific-Rim economies — which unlike the debt-stricken economies of Europe are showing relatively strong growth — has led some APEC countries to join Washington in pushing for a new free-trade deal called the Trans-Pacific Partnership.
Mr. Marantis said trade ministers from nine nations participating in the Trans-Pacific Partnership talks had met in Vladivostok and affirmed their determination to move ahead at negotiations to be held next week in Leesburg, Virginia.
The Leesburg talks will be the 14th round in a Trans-Pacific Partnership process that was initiated by APEC leaders at a summit meeting two years ago.
Negotiators will seek to iron out further details of a 29-chapter multilateral free-trade deal.
The Trans-Pacific Partnership is made up of: Australia, Brunei, Chile, Malaysia, New Zealand, Peru, Singapore, the United States and Vietnam. Canada and Mexico are due to join the group in October.
Mr. Marantis said the group was “working together to create a high-standard, 21st century trade agreement that addresses a lot of problems that exporters are facing in a way that will grow jobs and create new opportunities for exporters.”
There are no deadlines for completing the Trans-Pacific Partnership deal, but Mr. Marantis said negotiators were seeking to complete the bulk of their work next year.
“Substance will drive timing — that’s what’s really important,” Mr. Marantis said. “If you look at how much progress we’ve been able to make in such a short amount of time, we’re working to wrap up as much as possible over the course of 2013.”
The Trans-Pacific Partnership ties in with President Barack Obama’s goal of doubling American exports within five years of his election in 2008. It has been described as the biggest free-trade pact since the 1994 North American Free Trade Agreement.
China, the world’s second-largest economy, is not a party to the process, while the APEC summit host, Russia — which has only just joined the World Trade Organization — says it is not ready to look at joining the Trans-Pacific Partnership.
The Citizens Trade Campaign, a U.S. umbrella group, has criticized the Trans-Pacific Partnership process as overly secretive and has called demonstrations against the Leesburg talks, fearing that a free trade deal could result in the loss of American jobs.





















10/  However there is another view of this innocuous sounding trade agreement, which is that it's the next stage in corporate domination of the world economy, so that companies become even more powerful than individual countries........

You read this and think "this is bullshit, this will never happen....our government will protect us". Here's the reality check - corporations own the Government, and if the oligarchy want this it's going to happen..........

Meet the TPP: A Worldwide Corporate Power Grab of Enormous Proportions

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Cargill + TPP = Orangutan extinctionAs international trade negotiators gathered this week at a posh golf resort in rural Virginia to hammer out details of the proposed Trans Pacific Partnership (TPP), they sought to project an image of inclusion and receptivity to public input. In reality, this high-stakes global corporate pact, now in its 14th round of discussions, is heavily guarded by paramilitary teams with machine guns and helicopters as it is developed behind closed doors under a dangerous and unprecedented veil of secrecy.
What the hell is the TPP, you may ask? While it is among the largest and potentially most important ‘free trade’ agreements the world has ever seen, one can hardly be blamed for not being familiar with it yet. The corporate cabal behind it, including names like Cargill, Pfizer, Nike and WalMart, has done an exceptional job of maintaining an almost total lack of transparency as they literally design the future we will all inhabit.
While 600 corporate lobbyists have been granted access and input on the draft texts from the beginning, even high-ranking members of Congress have been denied access to the most basic content of what US negotiators are proposing in our names.
Thankfully, draft texts of the proposal have appeared on Wikileaks and the website of Citizen’s Trade Campaign. It is difficult to overstate the potential implications on the lives of people around the world if anything like the agreement in these leaked documents were to be implemented with the force of law.
The TPP is called a ‘trade agreement,’ but in actuality it is a long-dreamed-of template for implementing a binding system of global corporate governance as bold as anything the world’s wealthiest elite has attempted before. Of the 26 chapters under negotiation, only a few have to do directly with trade. The other chapters enshrine new rights and privileges for major corporations while weakening the power of nation states to oppose them. The TPP essentially proposes to establish a parallel system of justice where companies can sue countries in a tribunal of judges composed of unaccountable international trade lawyers with little to no process for appeal.
This wild bastardization of the concept of justice endangers everything from affordable medicines, internet freedoms and intellectual property rights to democratically enacted labor laws and environmental protections. And that’s not to mention the massive outsourcing of middle class jobs from the US to countries like Vietnam and Brunei.
This isn’t just a bad trade agreement, it’s a wish list of the 1%—a worldwide corporate power grab of enormous proportions.
This week, in an empty warehouse on the outskirts of downtown Baltimore, a group of activists from around the US gathered to plan a spirited week of resistance to the TPP. Finally, after three years of secret negotiations, the momentum of an opposition movement is building. On Sunday, a diverse and raucous crowd of a couple hundred people descended on this exclusive golf resort to demand their voices be heard, chanting after each speaker: “Flush the TPP!”
NAFTA was the last straw that sent the Zapatistas into armed rebellion. The WTO negotiations spawned a robust and global anti-globalization movement the likes of which the world had never seen. Even after 9/11, the FTAA elicited a pushback of people power that even a fully militarized Miami police force could not completely suppress.
But near as I can tell, even though the TPP is bigger, bolder and badder than any trade agreement before it, the small group gathered this week on a grassy hillside in rural Virginia is the backbone of resistance to the TPP today.



















11/  A two minute collection of local news bloopers, mostly sexual.......





















12/  Ever bought a computer at Staples? The Haggler from the Times reveals the sales pressure the Staples staff are under to sell you a maintenance agreement with your discounted computer......and if you don't buy it the computer you wanted is out of stock......wow......

This is the new corporate world.....we, the consumers, are on our own.......

THE Haggler once knew a guy who worked as a salesman at a mattress chain in the Washington area. Every week, the chain ran a full-page ad in The Washington Post, advertising deep discounts on one make and model of mattress. And the rule among sales staff could not be simpler: if you sold any customers that discounted mattress, you were fired.

That’s right. Sell the mattress in the ad, and you’re gone.
How David Mamet is that?
This story came to mind recently, after the Haggler heard from several Staples employees who described some of the pressure they face from management when it comes to sales. But before we hear from the employees, let’s yield the floor to a customer who describes what this pressure looks like from the consumer side. Below is a condensed and edited excerpt from a Web site called my3cents.com, written by someone identified as JA2009. He is trying to buy an Acer computer for $449, as advertised by Staples in a newspaper.
Disaster ensues.
“Upon my arrival, I found an associate who informed me that the laptops were in stock. However, before he would get me one, he proceeded to try to sell me his ‘protection plan.’
“Now, for a number of reasons, including my own knowledge of computers, as well as ready access to free computer repair services, I declined this. The sales associate indicated that it was O.K., and then walked away to, I assumed, get my computer.
“He returned with the store’s general manager, who again proceeded to aggressively push the protection plan onto me. He was extremely rude, implying that I was ‘cheap’ for not adding the plan. He walked away when I finally maintained that I did not want it. Then I heard him call the sales associate over and tell him something. Moments later, the sales associate informed me that the laptop was not in stock after all.”
It gets worse. The would-be customer calls a second Staples, where a salesman says, yes, we have that $449 Acer.
“I walked in and found the exact person whom I spoke to eight minutes earlier. The store was virtually empty. I asked him if I had just spoken to him about the Acer laptop and he confirmed that he was the person. I asked him if they were indeed in stock, and he indicated that they were. I then asked if he could please go get one, because I definitely wanted one. And then, before he goes back to get one, he asks me if I want the service plan.”
You know the rest. After a quick check of inventory, the salesman returns to say the Acers are all gone.














13/  This is a three minute version of a commentary from an Irish sports announcer who has no clue about the sport he is covering, in this case Olympic sailing. Or this is a spoof......not sure.....

Either way, it's very funny....... - 



















14/  Florida......paradise for retirees, right? They will always come down to the Sunshine State, because that's the way it is, isn't it? 

Not any more.....the trip down I-95 is stopping in North/ South Carolina and Georgia.....and there are also "halfbacks", people who are moving out of Florida to those states. They aren't going the full way back to the Northeast, they're going halfway...."halfbacks". One of our friends just did exactly that......

With climate change coming at us it makes sense - you get a milder winter than it used to be, and a more temperate summer than Florida......although I am sure a lot of these people don't believe in climate change per se........

Think about it - given a decent choice, would you come down to Rick Scott's Floriduh?

Heading South, but Stopping Short of Florida

David Walter Banks for The New York Times
EDGING NORTH Paul Klein said he was tired of living in Florida, so he and his wife, Diane, moved to Blue Ridge, Ga., near the Tennessee border.
By ROBERT STRAUSS
Published: September 11, 2012
SCOTT WOODCOCK knew he wanted to move someplace warmer when he retired from his job as an Amtrak engineer based in Philadelphia.
Special Section
Retirement
More articles on employment, investments, estate planning and fitness for retirees.
He thought he had a good plan: each year in the five remaining before his retirement, he and his wife, Cinde, would drive down Interstate 95, stopping at one place or another, until they made it to Florida, where his parents had retired.
“I figured we would end up in Florida, but in any case, we would have vacations down the coast,” Mr. Woodcock said. In the summer of 2007, they decided to visit a friend for some golf in North Myrtle Beach, S.C. “And we just loved it. We never made it any further. It has everything for us — the weather, the prices, close to the beach and closer to our kids when they come to visit or we go back up north.”
The Woodcocks became part of what officials in the mid-South say has become a trend — those initially thinking they would retire to Florida or the Southwest are instead coming to places like the Carolinas, Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia.
Census data analyzed by the Brookings Institution show that mid-South locations were showing some of the most rapid increases in 65 and older populations. Raleigh, for instance, is at the top of that list, with its 65-and-older population increasing by 60 percent from 2000 to 2010 and its 55-to-64 population growing by 97 percent in that same period.
Other mid-South areas with increases of more than 35 percent of 65-and-older people include Charlotte and its surrounding region, the area north of Atlanta, and the southern Appalachian region near Chattanooga.
“We knew anecdotally we were attracting more and more retirees, but now we want to encourage it,” said Lynn Minges, assistant secretary for tourism marketing in the North Carolina Commerce Department. In 2010, the state Legislature gave her department the go-ahead to specifically aim a Web site and ad campaign, RetireNC, at people older than 55. There are even certified retirement communities, mostly in smaller towns with hospitals, recreation and available lower-cost housing that would appeal to retirees.
One of them is Lumberton, a hamlet of 23,000 at the crossroads of Interstates 95 and 74, halfway between New York and Florida, and on the way from the Piedmont to the Atlantic. There is nothing historical or otherwise touristically significant, but Connie Russ, Lumberton’s downtown development coordinator and, now, retiree recruiter, said there was plenty for the potential retiree.
“Health care is excellent — our hospital is connected with the Duke Medical Center heart unit. There is golf not far away in Pinehurst and we even have a good arts center,” she said. The North Carolina Legislature also passed a bill so the state does not tax federal pensions or Social Security. “Things are just a little slower and yet more vibrant, I think, than Florida. Not everyone here is old like that.”
Paul Klein, in fact, was fed up with Florida. He had moved to Boca Raton from his native New York in his 30s, but by the time he retired 15 years ago at 55, he was starting to get ready to leave.
“It was getting crowded and, frankly, the people were not nice — and pretentious, too,” Mr. Klein said. He and his wife, Diane, had taken some trips to the southern Appalachians and had started to get into hiking and just hanging out in the woods.
Four years ago, Diane got a small inheritance and they became what Paul Klein calls “halfbacks” — people who moved to Florida from the North and have progressed partly back. In their case, it is to Blue Ridge, Ga., a foothills resort area about two hours north of Atlanta, just south of the Tennessee border.
“This is not just for the weather. It gets hot here, too,” said Mr. Klein, who has taken up trap shooting, while his wife has started quilting. “But it is about the pace of life and the friendliness of the people. They say hello to you when you do business with them. This is just a better lifestyle.”




















Todays video - The Jovers. An English vaudeville pair perform in the 1980's at the MGM Reno.....and their schtick is still funny.......















Todays redneck joke
 

 
After their 11th child, an Alabama
couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a
larger bed.
 
So the husband went to his Veterinarian and
told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more
children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
 vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was
 expensive....
 
"A less costly alternative," said
 the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks
 are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can
 (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."


The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not
 be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how
 putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going
 to help me."
 
"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and
 put it in a beer can.
 
He held the can up to
 his ear and began to count!
 
'1'
 '2'
 '3'
 '4'
 '5'
 
At which point he paused, placed the beer can
 between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee ,Kentucky ,
 Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi ,
 and parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia and North Florida...
 










Todays ventriloquist joke


A young ventriloquist was touring and one night was doing a show in a small Florida town. 

With the dummy on his knee, he went through his usual dumb blonde joke
when a blonde woman in the fourth row stood up on her chair and started shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women
that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and the community, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, but the blonde continued, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little snot on your knee."














Who is Jack Schitt? joke


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

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