Recommend you watch #12, the Russell Brand interview....fascinating on many levels......
But lots of good stories this week.........
1/ An excellent Paul Krugman column in the Times detailing what is pretty obvious if you are paying attention to the news - the Republicans have declared war on the poor. Whatever they can cut from checks given to "unlucky Americans", be it food stamps, unemployment benefits, health care or Social Security will be given to the rich.
Note Florida is one of the stupid states that have refused the Medicaid funding so one million Floridians can't buy insurance coverage.....Floriduh hates the poor......
These bastards also call themselves Christians......
A War on the Poor
By PAUL KRUGMAN
Published: October 31, 2013 1194 Comments
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John Kasich, the Republican governor of Ohio, has done some surprising things lately. First, he did an end run around his state’s Legislature — controlled by his own party — to proceed with the federally funded expansion of Medicaid that is an important piece of Obamacare. Then, defending his action, he let loose on his political allies, declaring, “I’m concerned about the fact there seems to be a war on the poor. That, if you’re poor, somehow you’re shiftless and lazy.”
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Obviously Mr. Kasich isn’t the first to make this observation. But the fact that it’s coming from a Republican in good standing (although maybe not anymore), indeed someone who used to be known as a conservative firebrand, is telling. Republican hostility toward the poor and unfortunate has now reached such a fever pitch that the party doesn’t really stand for anything else — and only willfully blind observers can fail to see that reality.
The big question is why. But, first, let’s talk a bit more about what’s eating the right.
I still sometimes see pundits claiming that the Tea Party movement is basically driven by concerns about budget deficits. That’s delusional. Read the founding rant by Rick Santelli of CNBC: There’s nary a mention of deficits. Instead, it’s a tirade against the possibility that the government might help “losers” avoid foreclosure. Or read transcripts from Rush Limbaugh or other right-wing talk radio hosts. There’s not much about fiscal responsibility, but there’s a lot about how the government is rewarding the lazy and undeserving.
Republicans in leadership positions try to modulate their language a bit, but it’s a matter more of tone than substance. They’re still clearly passionate about making sure that the poor and unlucky get as little help as possible, that — as Representative Paul Ryan, the chairman of the House Budget Committee, put it — the safety net is becoming “a hammock that lulls able-bodied people to lives of dependency and complacency.” And Mr. Ryan’s budget proposals involve savage cuts in safety-net programs such as food stamps and Medicaid.
All of this hostility to the poor has culminated in the truly astonishing refusal of many states to participate in the Medicaid expansion. Bear in mind that the federal government would pay for this expansion, and that the money thus spent would benefit hospitals and the local economy as well as the direct recipients. But a majority of Republican-controlled state governments are, it turns out, willing to pay a large economic and fiscal price in order to ensure that aid doesn’t reach the poor.
2/ J.P. Morgan Chase was fined $13 billion last week for it's part in giving fraudulent loans, and the right wing media went crazy, but as Matt Taibbi points out in many ways it's a sellout.
Start with this - the $13 billion fine is tax deductible to the bank.......so they will only end up paying $9 billion.
Great investigative reporting........
Was Bernie Madoff's pyramid scheme really so different from what some of the biggest banks have done?
Hiroko Masuike/Getty Images
A lot of people all over the world are having opinions now about the ostensibly gigantic $13 billion settlement Jamie Dimon and JP Morgan Chase have entered into with the government.
The general consensus from most observers in the finance sector is that this superficially high-dollar settlement – worth about half a year's profits for Chase – is an unconscionable Marxist appropriation. It's been called a "robbery" and a "shakedown," in which red Obama and his evil henchman Eric Holder confiscated cash from a successful bank, as The Wall Street Journal wrote, "for no other reason than because they can and because they want to appease their left-wing populist allies."
Look, there's no denying that this is a lot of money. It's the biggest settlement in the history of government settlements, and it's just one company to boot. But this has been in the works for a long time, and it's been in the works for a reason. This whole thing, lest anyone forget, has its genesis in a couple of state Attorneys General (including New York's Eric Schneiderman and Delaware's Beau Biden) not wanting to sign off on any deal with the banks that didn't also address the root causes of the crisis, in particular the mass fraud surrounding the sale and production of subprime mortgage securities.
Those holdouts essentially forced the federal government's hand, leading Barack Obama to create a federal working group on residential mortgage-backed securities (widely seen as the AGs' price for okaying the $25 billion robosigning deal), headed up by Schneiderman, whose investigation of Chase and its affiliates led to the deal that's about to be struck. Minus all of that, minus those state holdouts in those foreclosure negotiations, this settlement probably would never even take place: The federal government seemed more than willing previously to settle with the banks without even addressing the root-cause issues that are at the heart of this new Chase deal.
So let's not forget that – that even this $13 billion settlement, which is actually a $9 billion settlement (see below), came very close to never happening. But now it is happening, and the business press is going nuts about how unfair it all is.
In fact, this deal is actually quite a gift to Chase. It sounds like a lot of money, but there are myriad deceptions behind the sensational headline.
3/ As you know the federal Obamacare website has had major problems, so SNL last week had Kathleen Sebelius [Kate McKinnon] on to explain......four minutes of pretty good satire.....
"Saturday Night Live" wasted no time getting to President Obama's biggest problem of the week with a cold open sketch about the devastating Obamacare website glitches.
Watch the clip from the Ed Norton-hosted above to hear some hot tips on how to better navigate healthcare.gov courtesy of the Secretary of Health (Kate McKinnon). She's full of great ideas, such as "restarting your computer," and even provides links to other websites that can help you, such as Kayak.com (so you can buy a plane ticket to Canada).
4/ The excellent Frank Rich with his pithy commentary on the events of the week, leading with the web disaster for the Administration.......
- 10/31/2013 at 12:13 PM
- 63Comments
Frank Rich on the National Circus: The Obamacare Debacle Could Kneecap Liberalism
- By Frank Rich
Every week, New York Magazine writer-at-large Frank Rich talks with contributor Eric Benson about the biggest stories in politics and culture. This week: Kathleen Sebelius apologizes for the Obamacare rollout, Edward Snowden leaks more NSA documents, and Jay Leno books Ted Cruz.
Kathleen Sebelius, the secretary of Health and Human Services, appeared in front of a House committee yesterday to apologize for the bungled launch of healthcare.gov, and to explain why many holders of individual policies were receiving cancellation notices. Obamacare passed by the skin of its teeth, and survived a Supreme Court challenge and a government shutdown. Is this just its latest growing pains? Or are we watching its undoing from within?
We don’t know yet, but the resolution of what Sebelius herself described as a “debacle” will be conclusive and transparent: Either the Affordable Care Act will be working for those who are meant to benefit from it, or it won’t be, by early 2014. And that means it must work for those 14 million Americans with individual policies who were misled by President Obama’s repeated mantra that they could keep their existing plans as is. If the ACA does collapse, it’s a disaster for the public. It’s also a crushing blow to the Obama legacy, of course, since this law is his signature domestic accomplishment. The new Wall Street Journal–NBC News poll out today shows the president is already paying a price: For the first time in his national political career, those who think positively of him (41 percent) are outnumbered by those who are negative (45 percent). If the ACA fails, it will also be a serious setback for the Democratic party and liberalism in general, since that failure will greatly further the conservative case that, as Ronald Reagan put it, “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.”
5/ It's risky eating out, especially at fast food venues, and if you order fish to avoid eating cheap meat it's more than likely you'll be eating tilapia, and probably tilapia from China.
But one of the main food sources for Chinese tilapia farms is poop, with lots of antibiotics to keep the fish alive after eating animal faeces.....
So enjoy your happy meal fish sandwich and your "fresh" fish from WalMart.........yummy........
Tilapia raised on feces hits US tables
The garbage fish isn't picky with its eating habits. That makes it cheap to farm and buy, but a big health risk to consumers who don't check its country of origin.
By Jason Notte Jul 16, 2013 4:22PM
As fish go, tilapia's lifestyle leaves much to be desired.
They're a "garbage fish" in every sense of the word. They can survive in hopelessly polluted environments, they can be bred and raised in garbage cans and, when necessary, can subsist on a diet of other animals' excrement.
It makes Tilapia so easily farmed that Americans eat close to 500 million pounds of it a year, according to the Department of Agriculture, or more than four times the amount of Tilapia they ate a decade ago.
It also makes it bland and not particularly healthy for you. When its diet consists of manure, however, it's basically like feeding them salmonella and E.coli.
Michael Doyle, director of the Center for Food Safety at the University of Georgia, notes that the large amount of antibiotics that are given to the fish to ward off infections from the manure -- which is used as a cheap alternative to fish feed -- makes the strains of salmonella and E.coli those fish catch extremely hard to eliminate.
"While there are some really good aquaculture ponds in Asia, in many of these ponds -- or really in most of these ponds -- it's typical to use untreated chicken manure as the primary nutrition," he told MSN News. "In some places, like Thailand for example, they will just put the chickens over the pond and they just poop right in the pond."
That's creating antibiotic-resistant
6/ A very funny commercial .......a little naughty, well actually quite racy but most amusing.....less than 1 minute.....
7/ Aasif Mandvi is one of the Daily Show team, and does some of the very funny fake interviews with [usually] politicians, but he got a scoop this week. A North Carolina Republican admitted some stupid racist comments on camera.
At one point Mandvi says "you know we can see you, right?"
Five minutes of unscripted truth from this bigoted NC asshole.......
If you're being interviewed on camera by a national TV show, it's probably a good idea to keep your racist thoughts inside.
Especially if that show is "The Daily Show." And especially if you're a Republican spokesman in North Carolina talking about your state's voter ID laws.
Aasif Mandvi sat down with Don Yelton, a North Carolinian precinct captain who apparently missed the "don't be racist" memo. In the interview, he copped to loving portrayals of President Obama as a witch doctor, claimed that one of his best friends is black, and even used both the phrase "lazy blacks" and the N-word while defending the state's voter ID laws.
The Justice Department filed suit against North Carolina's voter ID law in September. “Allowing limits on voting rights that disproportionately exclude minority voters would be inconsistent with our ideals as a nation,” Attorney General Eric Holder said at the time.
8/ Remember Stella Liebeck from the 90's? She was the older lady who spilled hot coffee in her lap and sued McDonalds.
You may think you know this story, but the press at the time made this case a poster child for tort reform ["out of control juries"] but the truth was much more complex than was painted by the corporate media back then. The NYT has done a video investigation of this case, 20 years later, and it's quite sobering.
Good journalism......12 very good minutes.....
Storm Still Brews Over Scalding Coffee
Scalded by Coffee, Then News Media: In 1992, Stella Liebeck spilled scalding McDonald’s coffee in her lap and later sued the company, attracting a flood of negative attention. It turns out there was more to the story.
By BONNIE BERTRAM
Published: October 25, 2013 94 Comments
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Even 21 years later, it’s clear that the case of Liebeck v. McDonald’s hasn’t lost its power to provoke. The Retro Report video about the lawsuit featured here this week has been watched more than a million times on several websites and attracted hundreds of comments, many vehement.
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The documentary, which I produced over months of reporting, showed that many misconceptions had arisen since a 79-year-old woman, Stella Liebeck, ordered coffee at a McDonald’s drive-through, spilled the coffee, suffered severe burns, sued the company and was given a jury award of $2.9 million, later reduced to about $500,000.
Nevertheless, a good many commenters remained committed to their erroneous understanding of the case, some castigating Ms. Liebeck as foolish for driving with liquid she must have known would be hot. This frustrated a host of other commenters, including M Craig from Kirkland, Wash., who reminded people: “She was in the passenger seat of a PARKED car when she was scalded. She was not one isolated case of scalding, there were hundreds — which, amazingly, did not move McDonald’s to change their policy on the temperature at which to keep the coffee.”
Laura of Brentwood wrote: “She got $500,000 — not the millions reported.”
Patalcant from Southern California said, “From what has been reported, the woman was not acting recklessly, given any kind of reasonable assumption she might have made about the actual risk of what she chose to do. Even if coffee is expected to be hot, who would expect that spilled coffee would result in third-degree burns on a significant portion of her body?”
Beyond arguing over the facts of the case, commenters sparred over whether the lawsuit was warranted, tort reform, corporate responsibility, the American character (Scott in Rochester: “Unfortunately, in America, we no longer have the ability to accept responsibility”), even the proper brewing temperature for coffee.
Many who believed that Stella Liebeck was negligent remained unmoved. C from Atlanta wrote: “She ought to have gone inside to eat in the restaurant, where the coffee was less likely to have spilled and burned her. In other words, the people who don’t like this verdict still don’t like this verdict.”
9/ I'm a sucker for intelligent discussion, and Bill Maher's guest this week was Richard Dawkins, so it was a pleasure to watch a civilised, rational discussion of atheism with of course a few jokes thrown in.
A very interesting seven minutes........
Oxford professor and celebrity atheist Richard Dawkins joined Bill Maher Friday night to talk about his personal evolution from theism to atheism, why a scientific view of the universe does not entail a series of random events, and which public figures he believes are secretly atheists.
Maher and Dawkins agreed that people like them are often called “militant” atheists, when, in fact, the real problem people have with them is their “clarity” and how steadfast they are on these issues. Dawkins acknowledged he used to be religious, adding, “When I became a man I put away childish things.”
Dawkins dispelled some truly erroneous myths about science and atheism, said that something as simple as a sneeze can change the fabric of human history, and shared this colorful metaphor for the creationists.
“If you believe that the world is only 6000 years old, as some of these people do, given that the true age of the earth is 4.6 billion years, it’s equivalent to believing the width of North America is eight yards.”
10/ It's time to bash the cruise industry again - this campaign is focusing on how big the ships are and how this makes them vulnerable to unspecified scary stuff.....
All BS - the new big ships are safer than just about any form of travel, providing the Captain doesn't try to impress a bimbo by sailing close to a reef......
What they should be agitating about is why the cruise industry that carries mostly American passengers pays no US corporate income taxes.....
Too Big to Sail? Cruise Ships Face Scrutiny
Peter W. Cross for The New York Times
Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas has 2,706 rooms, as well as a shopping mall, a casino and a water park.
By JAD MOUAWAD
Published: October 27, 2013
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One of the largest cruise ships in 1985 was the 46,000-ton Carnival Holiday. Ten years ago, the biggest, the Queen Mary 2, was three times as large. Today’s record holders are two 225,000-ton ships whose displacement, a measure of a ship’s weight, is about the same as that of a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier.
Multimedia
Cruise ships keep growing bigger, and more popular. The Cruise Lines International Association said that last year its North American cruise line members carried about 17 million passengers, up from seven million in 2000. But the expansion in ship size is worrying safety experts, lawmakers and regulators, who are pushing for more accountability, saying the supersize craze is fraught with potential peril for passengers and crew.
“Cruise ships operate in a void from the standpoint of oversight and enforcement,” said James E. Hall, a safety management consultant and the chairman of the National Transportation Safety Board between 1994 and 2001. “The industry has been very fortunate until now.”
The perils were most visible last year when the Costa Concordia, owned by the Carnival Corporation, which is based in Miami, capsized off the coast of Italy. The accident killed 32 people and revealed fatal lapses in safety and emergency procedures.
In February, a fire crippled the Carnival Triumph, stranding thousands without power for four days in the Gulf of Mexico until the ship was towed to shore. Another blaze forced Royal Caribbean’s Grandeur of the Seas to a port in the Bahamas in May. Pictures showed the ship’s stern blackened by flames and smoke.
Although most have not resulted in any casualties, the string of accidents and fires has heightened concerns about the ability of megaships to handle emergencies or large-scale evacuations at sea. Senator John D. Rockefeller IV, Democrat of West Virginia, introduced legislation this summer that would strengthen federal oversight of cruise lines’ safety procedures and consumer protections.
11/ This is interesting......a 3 minute film by Morgan Spurlock ["Super Size Me"] about a 14 year old who may have invented a new test for prostate cancer but had major problems finding a place to research it.......
Love seeing these young geniuses.....
12/ You know Russell Brand as a comedian and celebrity guest on some TV shows, but he's sharp, intelligent and articulate. And angry.
This is an eight minute interview with conservative commentator Jeremy Paxman on the BBC, and Brand calls for a revolution in our society because of the unfairness inherent in the system.....
A side note - look at the difference in journalism - Paxman asks some tough questions which you don't ever see on our corporate media. This is worth watching for this reason alone, to see what we are missing in our "news", but the real reason is Brand's passion. And he makes sense.
A very powerful video.......
13/ OK - did you watch Russell Brand?
Then get ready for how Fox News looked at him.......they play clips of Brand making his points and then make snide comments, trivialise everything and flat out lie.....
See for yourself how empty and vacuous they are.....
It's a Friday, so let's all dissect the political views of a British comedian. The outlandish and unpredictable Russell Brand called for a political revolution of sorts during a BBC interview, and on Fox's The Five, they all just groaned and sighed at yet another Hollywood actor displaying his "pure stupidity" about politics.
Greg Gutfeld said Brand has the "intellectual capacity of a student" who didn't pay much attention in college and says things without thinking first, because what he's advocating, Gutfeld argued, was a "totalitarian system that has killed hundreds of millions of people."
And even worse, Kimberly Guilfoyle added, "now he doesn't have Katy Perry, so he's like a nobody."
Greg Gutfeld said Brand has the "intellectual capacity of a student" who didn't pay much attention in college and says things without thinking first, because what he's advocating, Gutfeld argued, was a "totalitarian system that has killed hundreds of millions of people."
And even worse, Kimberly Guilfoyle added, "now he doesn't have Katy Perry, so he's like a nobody."
14/ Bill Maher"s New Rules this week was on the minimum wage, and how conservatives who hate programs to help the working poor also oppose raising the minimum wage, which would mean less reliance on the gumment to help the poor survive......
A decent five minutes - not his best, but still funny......
Bill Maher ended his show Friday night going after Republican opposition to the minimum wage, calling them out for opposing something that would make people less dependent on government handouts. He targeted McDonalds in particular, saying “untilRonald McDonald starts paying his employees a living wage, he has to wipe that fucking smile off his face.”
On the charge minimum wages cut into profits, Maher mockingly explained, “Paying workers is one of those unfortunate expenses of running a business, like taxes or making a product.”
He asked, “When did the American dream become a pathway to indentured servitude?” and made the argument that the GOP can have a “smaller government with less handouts” or a low minimum wage, but they can’t have both.
And Maher doesn’t even eat fast food anyway. He said, “If I want to talk into the face of some red-nosed clown, I’ll debate John Bohener.”
15/ Interesting story on how high end stores are leaving Miami's Bal Harbour shops and moving to the Design District in Miami......
I used to commute to work through this area, and I went back last month and it's amazing what the developer has put in motion. If you know Miami, this will be fascinating.....and of course if you're a high end shopper....
Upstart in Miami Lures Luxury Stores From a Chic Citadel
Angel Valentin for The New York Times
Chic brands have been popping up in Miami’s Design District.
By HILARY STOUT
Published: October 24, 2013
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MIAMI — For decades, the wealthy tourists and transplants who flock to South Florida bought their Chanels, Cartiers, Diors and the like at one place: Bal Harbour Shops, an open-air mall housing many of the highest-end retailers in the world around a courtyard of palm trees and koi ponds at the northern end of Miami Beach.
Angel Valentin for The New York Times
The well-known Bal Harbour Shops mall has been home to names like Gucci since the 1970s.
This was where Gucci opened its first shopping center boutique in the 1970s. It is where, last week, a 22-carat yellow-diamond ring priced at more than $1 million glittered in the window of the jeweler Graff. Last year, the International Council of Shopping Centers pronounced it the single most productive shopping center in the world as measured by sales per square foot of retailing space.
But recently a string of big-name tenants — Louis Vuitton, Hermès, Cartier and others — has been abandoning Bal Harbour’s rarefied confines for a scruffy city neighborhood 10 miles away. More than a dozen other Bal Harbour tenants, including Valentino, Giorgio Armani, Fendi and Harry Winston, have signed leases in the area and are expected to follow.
Their destination is the Miami Design District, once an enclave of furniture showrooms, low storefronts and empty streets in the shadow of two interstate highways. There, Craig Robins, 50, a local real estate developer with a passion for contemporary art and design, is engaged in a more than $1 billion effort to transform the neighborhood, and to crack Bal Harbour’s hold on the increasingly important local luxury market.
16/ "The Counselor" is still in theaters, and wow! Sounds amazing.....
“The Counselor,” Ridley Scott’s terrifying, implacable new movie, opens on a seductive scene. The setting is a softly lighted bedroom in which two people are murmuring sweet, dirty nothings under a white sheet. You don’t see who they are until there’s a cut to under the sheet, bringing you close enough to Michael Fassbender and Penélope Cruz to feel like an interloper.
Wrapped in a radiant intimacy, these two beauties search each other’s bodies with tender looks and caresses, her lashes fluttering at his touch. It’s as if they were adrift in “the world of light” of Mount Olympus described by Homer in “The Odyssey,” that place where “gods live their days of pleasure.”
Gods fall though, few as mercilessly or memorably as those in “The Counselor,” a tale of good and evil, but because it was written by Cormac McCarthy, mostly evil. Mr. Fassbender plays the title character, a corrupt, unnamed, high-flying Texas lawyer. He moves fast, as does this film, which soon jumps from Olympus to a garage in Mexico, where men and dogs slip through shadows, then jumps north of the border where another woman rides a horse, flanked by a cheetah chasing a jack rabbit. The hare escapes in a swirl of dust, but by the end of this scene, Mr. Scott has seized your attention with a primitive, predatory vision, one red in tooth and claw.
The cheetah is tame; the woman, Malkina (Cameron Diaz, scary and freaky), profoundly less so. Both live with Reiner (an excellent Javier Bardem) and a second cheetah in a lavish desert compound, a kind of a Donatella Versace delirium, with bulbous bodybuilders manning the gates and sleek rides purring in the drive.
A nightclub owner, Reiner has a dangerous sideline doing business with a drug cartel with which he has negotiated a deal involving the Counselor. It hinges on a huge coke shipment that’s under way when the movie opens, putting you in the midst of an operation you have to catch up to even as the Counselor hurtles forward, hopscotching from place to place as other characters enter and exit.
From all the ellipses, as well as the eccentric, mesmerizing poetry of his dialogue, Mr. McCarthy appears to have never read a screenwriting manual in his life. (That’s a compliment; this is his firstproduced film script.) Although there’s a fairly blunt, near-archetypal aspect to the main characters — their expensive homes, sports cars and designer clothes speak the language of money fluently — the plot remains deliberately unobvious for a long time.
Oooohhhhh.....so mean, so tough - excellent trailer......
Todays Video - Perhaps the funniest skit from a great series - "The Carol Burnett Show" from the 60's.....
This is the timeless "The Dentist", with Tim Conway and Harvey Korman......
I've seen this a dozen times, but it's still hysterical......
Todays fighting jokes
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
______________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
______________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
______________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
______________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
______________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
______________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
______________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
______________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
Todays doctor joke
A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that of his mischievous side.
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."
The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions.
Again the voice says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."
Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time another voice in his head says, "but you're a veterinarian."
Todays little old lady joke
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him
around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
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